Doomed

chapter 8

For a Friday night, the house was shockingly, and hauntingly, quiet. The little ones were at a friend's house for a sleepover, and I wasn't exactly sure where the boys had disappeared to, not that I was all that eager to find out. The near silence that had encompassed the house was eery and was leaving me straining to listen for any sudden sounds. I squirmed in my seat, gripping my mug of hot chocolate tighter and glancing out the window.

Moonlight had washed over the entire yard, giving it a magical glow. I kept my eyes concentrated on the kids' playset, unwilling to look over at the woods and enable my daunting fear. A dark hole was growing in my mind eager to devour me, but I was trying to avoid it as much as possible. I rested my chin against the table of the breakfast nook and closed my eyes. My mother's face appeared in my mind and I winced, willing it to leave. Guilt gnawed in my stomach as I pushed the image away. When would I forgive myself? I was beginning to think the answer was never.

"Nyx, sweetie, what are you doing in here all by yourself?" Jessica's sweet voice washed over me and I jerked up, lifting my head from where it had been resting to meet her eyes. She looked tired, but that was expected considering she worked long hours from what I had gathered. I was still unclear on what her job was and I didn't think it was right for me to dig into their lives just yet.

I swallowed hard and for a moment a lie almost passed my lips, but something about the genuine concern in her eyes had me speaking the truth for what felt like the first time in a long time. "I made myself some hot chocolate because my mom used to make it for me every Friday night," I whispered, my voice rough from the fact that I was trying to rein in my emotions. "It doesn't... I'm not... I don't think I can ever make it like she did. And I miss her. I really do. I wish the guilt that I felt would just let me miss her for one single moment but I can't because when I do it hurts and there's this voice in my head that screams that it's my fault but she was the only person who thought I was sane and oh god why can't I be sane?" My voice had raised in volume and pitch by the end of my rant, but chest heaving and tears forming in my eyes.

I expected Jessica to look horrified by my sudden melt down, but she only looked sympathetic and patient. She took the seat across from at the breakfast nook and reached out, taking my hands in her own. Her blue eyes scanned over my face, the tears trailing down it, the guilty expression that was almost always plastered on my face. She sighed, wistful and sad.

"Sweetheart," Jessica's voice was soft and sweet and slow. "Your family dying is not your fault. I don't know how you managed to convince yourself of that but it's not true. You're not a perpetrator, you're a victim. And I promise you, my boys and I, we think you're sane. Never once have I looked at you and thought 'that girl is as mad as the Mad Hatter'. When I look at you, I think, 'I've never met a young lady so strong and beautiful and radiant'. Nyx, if you would please just give us a chance, we'd like to become a family for you, a support system too. Just nod if you think you can give us a chance, okay?"

My grip on her hands became tight and I nodded hard. Maybe I didn't deserve their kindness and maybe I was crazy, but I wanted to give them a chance, I wanted to find people I could trust and love again. Footsteps approached the kitchen and I quickly wiped away my tears, looking out the window again. Jessica didn't seem disturbed by me suddenly closing off and looked over to the doorway.

"Jase, sweetie," Jessica exclaimed, waving over her foster son. "I'm so glad that you're home. Nyx is having a hard time adjust and I was hoping that you might be willing to take her out to the diner for dinner and a milkshake. I'll give you the money for it."

"I would love to take her to the diner," Jase said, flashing me a smile that I caught out my peripheral vision. "Do you want to get changed before we go?"