Outside the Lines (lashton)

(26)

We wake up anytime between 5:30 and 7:00 to get our vitals done and do a blind weigh in. They woke me up at six today telling me I have to dress in nothing but my hospital gown again, which is still very uncomfortable.

When I walk into the weighing and vitals area, a nurse is there waiting for me. "Hello Luke, I'm Lucia. I don't believe we've met yet. How are you feeling today?" she asks me.

I shake my head. "Awful," I chuckle.

"What's making you feel awful?"

Honesty is key. Gotta be honest. I sigh, "I'm just feeling bad mentally today. It's probably my depression," I confess. "Also nervous about gaining weight today."

She attaches a cuff to me to take my blood pressure. "You gain weight faster the first few days because of water weight, so don't get too upset about the fast weight gain you might notice," she tells me, and it makes me smile knowing the nurses actually care here to make me feel less anxious.

"I couldn't sleep last night either, too much was going on in my head," I confess again.

She gives me a plastic stick to hold, with a cord connecting to a device, and tells me to put it under my tongue to take my temperature. It's instantaneous, as only five seconds later it beeps and she's telling me my temperature. That's pretty cool. At home, we have one of those glass mercury thermometers.

"If that happens again, we have sleep aids that you can take. Did they explain any of the medications we have available?" I shake my head no. "We also have anxiety medication for when you're having an anxiety attack. Come to the nurses station and ask for an anxiety medication and they should be able to help you." I'm grateful for this nurse and her words of knowledge, they might come in handy.

She does a couple other things, like checking my body for any markings. She sees the old cuts on my thigh and asks about them, since she doesn't know me. "They're old," I tell her. She then asks me a few questions about how I'm feeling again. She asks if I'm feeling suicidal and if I feel an urge to hurt myself. I tell her no for both of them, although that answer will probably change in the next few days. Maybe even hours.

Then I'm sent back to my room. I stop by the laundry room and grab a white towel so I can shower. Once my shower is over - a longer shower than I usually take - I get dressed and sit down on my bed, waiting for breakfast. My roommate jumps in the shower after me.

I hope today is a better day than yesterday.

~

It's six at night and visiting hours are starting. There's rules for visiting hours. No outside foods are allowed to be brought in and you must stay in the main day room or dining room.

Apparently my parents and friends set up a schedule where they would go every other day to visit, so each day I was getting a visit from someone. Today is my parents turn, so I was surprised to see Ashton walk through the doors of the center.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, drained from the day I had. Three meals and two snacks down. Only one more snack to go and the day is over.

"I said I'd be here, didn't I?" he says cheerily.

If that smile doesn't make my heart beat a little faster...

"You did," I smile back to him. "God, being here sucks," I tell Ashton, "like, we get blind weighed every morning from five thirty until seven. Then we have breakfast. Oh, and the bathrooms are locked for two hours after every meal and for one hour after snack. If you have to go during that time, then they have to listen to you and then check the toilet afterwards. I haven't had to do that yet," I rant to Ashton, feeling like I can open up to him.

"Man, that's so early to wake up. And the toilet thing I get but that's still gross," he says with a chuckle. I laugh along with him. It feels good to laugh while in this prison.

My parents walk in just then, and I hug the shit out of them, missing them so much after being home for weeks. It's weird being away from everyone. If I'm not with my family, I'm with Cal, Ash, and Mikey. And if I'm not with them, I'm with my family. But here, I have no one.

So I'm glad for the visiting hours, I don't know how I'd survive without them. Although my mom tears up a few times, she still puts up a sunny front for me and I appreciate it. I feel like I've lost everything I've worked for and it's driving me crazy. I talked about it in group today actually, how here I don't have any control over anything. Most of the people agreed with me but say they like choosing menus for the day, and that feels like control. It doesn't feel like much control, but I guess it's the only thing I have to hold on to.

I'm not as open when my parents are here. For some reason, Ashton makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him, like I can tell him anything and he won't look at me strangely. So the conversation between me, Ashton, and my parents is fairly light. But soon enough, the hour of visitation is up and they're on their way out. My parents hug me again and Ashton does as well. He gives a long embrace, telling me to hang in there and that I'll be seeing him tomorrow as well along with Michael and Calum.

We revisit goals at the end of the night, and then after is snack time with chocolate pudding. It tastes good, and I actually enjoy the food for the first time since being here.

When it's time for bed, I'm actually exhausted and fall asleep to a train of thought.

Today was bad. Food was bad. People were bad. Groups were bad. Everything's bad here.

Except Ashton. Ashton's the only thing that made me smile. I enjoy Ashton's presence.