Until Proven Innocent

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

BEFORE
Cordelia Waters
April 10, 2016

These past few weeks have been cold and rainy, a reminder of how our winter has been. But today the sun has come out, and with it an eagerness for spring; a time of regrowth and solstice. How my body longs for the days that I can sit outside in nothing but a summer dress, feeling the sun bathe down on my skin, absorbing all of the warmth. I crave that feeling, the warmth that my body requires.

This spring could be the start of something new. With the past in the past, I can finally begin to move forward, have a fresh start. Spring is a time of hope, new beginnings. This thought excites me and I drive all the way to work with the windows down, the stereo blasting encouraging, upbeat tunes.

After sorting through some files and sending a mass email to the team, I make my way over to Savannah's desk to catch up. She's eager to tell me about a new guy she's been seeing. I listen to her go on about how different he is. How he's not like the rest. I find it comical that she says this every time. I nod my head, smiling as the words flow from her mouth, a river going upstream. She's unstoppable now. There's no point in trying to but in. So instead, I direct my thoughts somewhere else. Thoughts of summer, being outdoors.

I work straight through until noon, then head out for my lunch break. With these thoughts in my mind, I knew I couldn't simply stay here and grab something from the cafeteria downstairs as I usually do. I decide to go for a drive until I find something that catches my eye. I pass a strip mall that has an Italian restaurant. Lucenzo's is the name.

The moment I walk through the doors, the aroma of fresh tomatoes and garlic bread fills the air. I close my eyes as I take it all in. I walk to the take-out bar where an older man with grey hair and a salt n pepper moustache takes my order. I decide on the marinara mushroom pasta with a side of garlic bread. I never pass on the garlic bread.

I grab a seat by the window and eat my meal, staring out into the distance, observing anything that passes by. I often let my mind wander to places that I didn't even know existed. Sitting here, watching the cars go by, I feel a sense of calm and relief. Its times like these that I miss being by myself. I need to do that more often. I'm sure Weston would understand. He and Emerald could go on play dates at the park while I have a little mommy get-away.

I've always appreciated my alone-time. Growing up as an introverted kid, I never liked going out much or socializing with large groups. People often get introversion confused with shyness. They are not the same. I am confident and happy to talk with strangers; I do it every single day at work. But introversion requires down time. Time for yourself, to recharge. When I can cuddle up in bed with a good book or turn on a movie. I love being alone with Weston, curled up beside him. I miss those days, when it was just the two of us. Is that wrong of me to say? I'm sure mother's wish for that all of the time. Surely I can't be the only one. Especially mothers who have two and three children. Oh, what a nightmare that must be. I can't even imagine.

I push the thought of children away. I will stare out the window, gazing into the open nothingness, enjoying my time alone while it lasts.

Before I leave Lucenzo's, I decide to grab something for Weston and drop it off at his work. I'm in a good mood today, and I suddenly have the urge to bring happiness to everyone around me, including my husband. This little surprise will be good for him. It's been so long since I dropped by the practice to visit him. I'll get him one of his favourites: pizza. Maybe if I continue with the random acts of kindness and surprise visits at work, he'll look at me more. Notice me. Remember that I am his wife and that we're in this together. He's been so distant lately and I can't help but blame myself. I know it's because of my depression. I just wish it didn't affect him as much as it has. I can only attempt to win back his love.