I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 78

Bucky's POV:

My heart pounds in my chest, continuing to grow faster and louder with each second. I swear everyone who walks by me must be able to hear it because I sure can loud and clear. It thumps in my ears and threatens to jump up my throat and potentially out of my mouth.

I stand in the middle of the park where we agreed to meet, regretting ever single decision I have ever made right down to thinking that hiding in plain sight would be less obvious then doing this in hiding. People hustle and bustle all around me, far too close for comfort. I just duck my head lower and pull my hood tighter. Luckily since it's winter I don't look stupid for dressing like this.

The past few days have been absolute mayhem. It was only the second night when I realised that I couldn't just live in the woods, not with this weather at this time of the year and in my state. I was absolutely freezing and starving with nothing but the clothes on my back. But I couldn't go back home, I wasn't ready to face my family or risk being caught so I started heading towards the outskirts, hoping to find some old, abandoned building that hadn't been touched in years. However I got lucky sooner than I expected when I stumbled upon an old cabin in the woods that didn't seem to have been lived in for at least a decade judging by the expiry dates on everything.

Sure it was more than a little run down and dingy with a few holes here and there that were leaking quite badly in the rain but it was still better than sleeping under the stars - something I'd love to do but just not right now. Someone had clearly had the same idea as me once before to use it as shelter judging by the charred marks on the floor boards indicating a very much put out fire.

It had not much, but enough to get me by; hunters supplies which I could use to get food once the little amount of tinned food that was still okay to eat ran out and a pile of jackets and various other warm clothes that would very much come in handy.

Needless to say that the first thing I did after stumbling through the door, absolutely sopping wet and shivering and crying in relief upon my marvellous discovery was pull on the warmest, fluffiest coat I could find and chug down a whole can of beans in one go. I then searched the house a little more only to find an actual fire place which made me question why the person before me lit theirs on the floor, lit my own and grabbed a whole tonne of blankets from amongst the pile of clothes, wrapped myself up in them, lay down in front of the fire and fell asleep. I can't be sure how long I was asleep for but put it this way; I probably found the shack around midmorning and when I woke up again it was pitch black outside and the fire had died. It was the best sleep I'd had since that godforsaken night two days ago.

Those first few days were bad. Like very bad. Sure, I know had food and warmth and clothes and shelter but my mental state just seemed to be deteriorating further. There were times where I just got so worked up and upset and confused and end up rocking in a ball in a dark corner... all because I looked at a fricken leaf that had found it's way through the gap under the door and inside or something stupidly pathetic like that. I would find myself talking to myself, muttering, whispering, whimpering about what's real and what's not and what an awful person I am.

It was not good. It was as if I was back to where I was when Steve first found me and I was recovering in hospital. This voice in my head only seemed to be getting stronger again.

Until one morning it hit me. I have to do something about this. I've already realised that I can't just die and things aren't going to change - in fact they'll only get worse - if I don't get myself out of this vicious circle. But until I seriously make some kind of change I'll be stuck like this forever. I want to get to be able to get home to my family? Well I'm going to have to do something about it.