looking too closely | late 2018

IX

        NOW he stood only two small steps away.

Eli had always stayed at least ten steps away from the cliff's edge out of unadulterated fear, he had never been this close before.

Two. Small. Steps.

As he closed his eyes, he could feel it, the colour blue. The loneliness seeping through his veins, his heart beating rhythmically with each breath.

That heart had only been able to dream of holding the colours he saw in the late afternoon, as the sky is painted by the lonely sun. But it was dull, rich with repeated sadness.

He felt jealous, most of the time, of those with smiles written with happiness, rather than fear.

But his sorrow also brought profound clarity. With his eyes screwed shut, he could only see black.

The water, miles down, didn't scare him. The ledge didn't frighten him. The rocks didn't intimidate him.

As he felt the world slowly begin to halt, drops of water fell on his constellation cheeks like tears. The cold sensation almost burned as the ran down his face.

And he let himself cry with them.

For the first time, in all his years of torment, he let himself cry as the sky opened up, releasing his years pain upon him in heavy rain drops.

His vision was foggy when he opened his eyes in the harsh rain, disorienting him. He didn't know how close to the cliffs edge he was, and now, as he cried, he didn't care.

He could see his own fall. He could see his feet stepping the wrong way, gravity latching selfishly onto his legs, pulling his body down to the waters that lapped at the rocks.

He could see the lightning flashing behind his falling body, lighting him up for the last time with pure electricity.

He could hear the thunder rolling through he clouds as he closed his eyes, allowing the water to swallow his body.

His own senses were revived when his body was ripped away from the ledge, and into the arms of another.

      "Eli! What the fuck were you thinking!" A voice shouted at him, altered in the beating rain.

But Eli knew who it was. There was only one person it could have been.

      The raven haired boy offered a small smile to the man who held him "I wasn't. I wasn't thinking. And it was the best thing i've ever known" He admitted.

Aaron stared down at Eli, his heart beating too loud for him to comprehend anything that was happening.

      "No," Aaron whispered, his tears mixing with the falling rain "No." He managed to say a little louder as his fingers combed through Eli's hair.

It was then he broke.

The boy who tried his hardest to stay together broke in front of the only person who had ever noticed his cracks.

And he breathed again.