Wingless and Beautiful

Chapter 8

“I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?” – The Fault in Our Stars, now in theatres!

Chapter Eight

I felt numb, my brain refused to function, my knees felt like they will not be able to bear my weight any minute.  The hall was abuzz with people laughing, chatting, shrieking and singing.  But I wasn’t hearing anything, wasn’t seeing anything in front of me.  The world seemed to have blurred and everything seemed to move in slow motion, I felt like I was in a tragic film.  And the only difference between a heartbreaking movie scene and my reality is the cinematic score.

I blindly walked towards the girls’ room and locked myself up in a cubicle. 

He’s back.  He’s perfectly fine!

I felt that moment of weakness as happiness, sadness and relief enveloped me all at once.  I silently let go of the tears that I was holding back since I saw his face again. 

Hunter made it.  His operation was successful.  He could be whole again.  He need not feel that he was useless and worthless.  He could go back to his old self, live a normal life and enjoy the best of what life has to offer him. 

He looked into my eyes and saw my face.  I bit my lip as I sadly realized that he looked right through me.  Like I was… invisible.  How ironic that I have always wanted to be invisible since I went back to school.  But now I wanted Hunter to look at me… and see me the way he did when he was blind.

I have waited for this moment for the past five hundred forty-eight days.  Each night, I would imagine throwing myself in his arms and giving him a tight embrace.  I would think about how it would be when he finally says he loves… and how I would say I love him too.

But now that he’s here… the first time he saw my face, the first time he saw how I looked like… he didn’t even seem like he recognized me at all.

Maybe he didn’t.  He didn’t touch my face.  When he was blind, he touched my scars, and tried to memorize my facial features.  He wouldn’t know what I looked like until he touched me.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he will eventually realize who I was and things will go back to the way they used to be... the way I imagined they would be.

When I went out of the ladies’ room, the hall was empty.  I decided to make a quick escape and headed home.  I couldn’t face Chaise and Denise.  They would ask questions as to why I was crying.  And I could not answer them.  Not yet.  I waited for this moment for such a long time.  But now, I felt like this moment broke my heart more than when Hunter left. 

I held Hunter’s necklace in my hand.  I believe in you.  I believe in us. 

I called Mrs. Bailey and told her I could not come to work tonight.  I was not feeling well.  That wasn’t a lie.  I am not sick, but I wasn’t well either.  When I got home, I went straight to bed and curled up under the sheets.

I remembered the things he said to me, the promises that he made that made me strong and kept me together for the last one and a half years.

 “You smell like strawberries.  You have this sweet scent that is engraved in my mind now.  I would recognize you anywhere.”

“I see you… Angel.  And you’re beautiful to me.”

“Because of you… I want to see again.  I want to take care of you.  I want to see you smile, as much as I love hearing you laugh.  I want to build a future with you… where I could protect you, where I am whole enough, capable enough to chase your nightmares away.”