barely unrequited • lesy

determined

*trigger warning - self harm*

memory reset #20

Frantically closing the door to her personal bathroom behind her, Leigh-Anne fumbles to lock it before collapsing to the cool floor. The threatening familiarity of her thoughts and increased pulse did nothing to help her calm down.
Running rough hands through sweat-soaked hair, Leigh's fingers gripping tightly, scraping and clawing at her scalp desperate to quell the swelling panic threatening to erupt from within her chest.

How was it fair that she was the one who remembered?

The world literally came crashing down upon her and she remembered.

The failure remembered.

God, she wished she hadn't.

Each rapid heartbeat thuds louder in her ears, blocking all noises and rational thoughts. Fingernails digging deep into flesh, almost drawing blood. Unwelcome and illogical thoughts of immediate danger begin to trespass into her mind and spread through her synapses like a raging fire.

Her body desperately gasps for air. Her pulse surges as her body begins to fight the invisible demons in her thoughts.

Crawling along the floor, Leigh reaches out a trembling hand and grasps at the cut-throat razor she'd hastily strewn upon the marble counter earlier that day after shaving. Undoing a dark leather belt, she slides her now oversized jeans down past the slew of cuts that littered her skin. Each cut displaying various stages of healing.

Slumping to the floor again with her back against the door. She brings her right thigh to lean across her left, accessing the soft scab-abundant flesh on the side of the upper thigh.

Leigh-Anne shut her eyes, hating each time she did this but getting a reward with each burning sensation. She's depressed.

All she had to think about was her.

In fact Leigh-Anne could barely say her name without feeling suicidal. She felt ugly. So ugly that Jesy didn't want her.

Of course that's not why. Leigh-Anne didn't know why yet. But that wasn't it. Still, Leigh-Anne had to make up some kind of excuse for what she didn't understand so she put herself down.

Her world kept getting weird. So many new things to happen to her, and she didn't know why. She didn't know why they came and went so quickly.

flashback

Jesy and Leigh-Anne were on the couch, laying upside down. That was something they did often.

"You go first, baby love."

They were brainstorming different ways to say I love without using the phrase. They could use the words but not the phrase.

"You are the best thing to happen to me." Leigh-Anne starts.

"Your eyes light up my world." Jesy follows.

"I don't know what I would do without you."

"Can you please sit by me for a while?"

"You mean the world to me."

"I love the way you look at me."

"I appreciate you taking time out to be with me."

"Um.. um.. um.. te amo?"

"That doesn't count. Phrases!" Leigh shouts, laughing.

"Whatever, you bitch."

"Aw, that's a good phrase."

"You know I'm playing, babe."

"I know. I love you so,"

"I love you so, doll."

flashback ends.

Leigh-Anne shook her head. Everyday. Every single day flashbacks came to her mind. She somehow remembered them so clearly without knowing if she'd actually experienced it. Though, she knew they were memories.

They hurt and felt so good at the same time. More so, they hurt because she knew she couldn't have it. And she wanted all of it. She did.

Leigh-Anne's eyebrows furrowed. She put back on the black pants she was wearing and opened the bathroom door. She grabbed her coat and walked out the front door.

She was going to find someone.

She was going to find Jesy.

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