Absence

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I can't say that those 2 months weren't hell for me. I had that same old stupid routine every morning. I go to work. I have lunch with Seth. I go home. I sleep.

It sucked. Every single day sucked for me, and sometimes I wondered how it felt for Tony.

I saw him last week in the mall with Pepper. He actually looked fine, and I really didn't know if I should be happy or disappointed. I guess part of me hoped that he'd be torn up about this too, but another part of me just wanted him to find his happiness that he so desperately craved for.

Currently, I was seated in a fancy restaurant with my boyfriend as he chatted about how annoying his case was, and call me rude, but I wasn't paying any attention to him.

"Earth to Valentina?" He snapped his fingers in front of my face, snapping me out of my daydream.

"I'm sorry, Seth. I'm just...tired." I lied and he nodded in understanding.

"It's fine. I'll take you home, baby." When he called me baby, I'd always have this feeling inside me. It made me happy, but now...I felt nothing.

****

Picking up my diary felt weird now. Maybe it's because I haven't written in years, but I just needed to let it out.

Scrolling through the pages, I smiled as I recalled every moment, every memory, every dream and every nightmare. Reaching a blank page, I picked up my pen.

[ December 12, 2014]

Dear Diary,

It actually feels really weird to write now, and as pathetic as this sounds I need it right now. It's been 2 months since I last spoke to Tony. I must say this is actually killing me. Not being able to hear his voice, not being able to know how he's feeling, kills me. Nat updated me on his state a few times, but that's about it. She was actually pretty pissed at my decision, and if I'm being honest with myself so am I. Being with Seth, used to make me feel like I'm on cloud nine, but as we progress through this dysfunctional relationship, I realised that I never wanted this. What I felt for Seth a few years ago, was absolutely gone now. I don't know if it's just temporary or if I'm feeling like this because I let Tony down, but I just feel nothing towards him anymore. Maybe because I have figured out that he actually did cheat a second time. Maybe because I have figured out that it didn't actually matter to him that I was kidnapped. If my absence never affected him, then my presence didn't even matter. I love you. I used to toss this word around as a kid. I used to say it to everybody because I guess a part of me never felt loved enough since I knew that my father never did love me enough to stay, so I never wanted anyone else to endure the same pain I had. I used that word to brighten up people's days, and now as I say it to Seth, I wonder if I actually mean it. And if I'm being completely honest....I knew he never loved me. I knew he was using me because he was scared to be alone, and despite that....I stayed. I stayed because I fell in love with the man who used to bring me flowers to work, I fell in love with the man whose smile brightened up my life, I fell in love with the man who never did fall in love with me. I don't know why I'm admitting this to myself right now, but I just needed to. Maybe it's some else's presence that made me feel whole. Maybe it wasn't Seth's smile that brightened up my day anymore. Maybe it was some else entirely. Someone I've made the mistake of letting go.

----------

****

"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Wanda screamed while turning on my light.

"Ugh....go away please!" I rolled over and took a glance at my clock.

{6:30 p.m}

Blissful Despair ~> Tony StarkWhere stories live. Discover now