The death of a child is never a finality. For he lives vividly in his parents’ minds. And the ache of loss increases with each passing year- as birthday after birthday brings new haunting, agonizing thoughts: “He would’ve been fourteen next week. He loved have loved to see this concert, That was his favorite meal…” And thus Christopher never left the Jauregui household. The anguish of his absence was a constant presence.
Lauren watched with mounting anxiety as her parents moved in different spiritual directions, leaving her abandoned in a loveless vacuum. Clara began her pilgrimage of spiritual reconversion, reinforcing her own conviction that she had sinned against the Lord and the death of her child was her punishment. Everyday she recited prayers, burned candles and spent more time at Chris’s grave than with her remaining living child. In a certain sense, Mike was also seeking God. But to confront Him with anger. How dare You take my son? he railed in his imagination. And then, when his nightly drinking liberated what few inhibitions he had left, he spoke aloud, shaking his clenched fist at the Almighty in savage fury.
Meanwhile, Lauren had slowly turned her grief to anger. Anger towards her parents, anger towards illness, anger towards herself. It darted through her blood like a predator, puffing her up with emotions that couldn’t be tamped down or contained.
The year was 2003- senior year of college for both Lauren and Camila. The grassy lawn of Columbia University was a vivid green. Living in New York had exceeded their greatest expectations. On Wednesdays, she and Camila had a standing bff date. Wednesday afternoons and evenings were theirs, without fail, to ride ferries, to tramp Fifth Avenue and window-shop, to ice skate, to lie on the grass in Central Park, to eat candied almonds from the street vendors, to get crepes in the East Village, to take up seats at diners for way too long while sharing ice cream sundaes, and sometimes just to stay cooped up in their dorm room watching endless episodes of FRIENDS. They were inseparable.
Lauren inclined against the Red Oak tree located in front of the student center while Camila lay her head on Lauren’s lap, her attention deeply engrossed in a book. It was a beautiful day, cloudless blue sky, a slight breeze that rustled the leaves and caused wisps of her red hair to fly forward. She had hour before her Biochem exam, the final one. She hustled through her notes, highlighting important facts to remember. She needed to do well on this final, her Harvard interview was next weekend and she had to ace this exam in order to maintain her 3.9 GPA.
“Oh my God,” Camila said in an awed voice. “Derek choose Lily. I knew he would.”
“I can’t understand how you can be leisurely reading a romance novel an hour before the hardest test of the semester.” Lauren said while scouring through her notes. Camila rolled over her on her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows to look at Lauren.
“Well maybe if you studied for more than a day and didn’t get skunk-ass drunk every night, you’d have time for romance novels.” Camila replied with a mocking tone.
Lauren grabbed the book out her hands and handed her a stack of 3x5 index cards. “Help me study, Cabello. If not our lifetime dream of going to Harvard together will never be fulfilled.”
“Fine.” Camila replied with a sigh but inwardly feeling a bit worried. Camila was a shoo in to receive an acceptance letter to Harvard Medical. With a perfect entrance score, being at the top of her graduating class, ivy league colleges have been vying for a student like her. But the thought of doing it without Lauren seemed unimaginable. “Okay, first question- What type of non-covalent interaction helps to stabilize the secondary structure of proteins?”
“Um…Hydrogen bonding?” Lauren answered with a questioning tone.
“That’s right.” Camila extended her hands and wiggled her fingers against Lauren’s. It was a shortened version of their BFF handshake. “Next question, what element is carbohydrate composed of?”
“Wait.. wait. I know this. Give me a second.” Lauren furrowed her brows in concentration. “Carbon, oxygen and….. and…hydrogen?”
Camila ran her across Lauren’s cheek and patted it lightly. “You know this stuff, Lo. You’re going to do fine. Let’s get some french fries. My stomach growled during last weeks exam and I almost died of embarrassment.”
Lauren smiled and gave a Camila a light kiss on the cheek, dangerously close to her lips. “What would I do without, babe?” she whispered gently.
Camila blushed and turned away quickly.
————
They both sat amongst twenty other prospective students, all vying towards one goal. The admission interview was the final step in the long, egregious admission process. “Lauren” a woman called from the hallway. “Dr. Gardner is ready to see you.” Lauren froze for second before standing to her feet.
“You got this, babe. You’ll be fine.” Camila said. Lauren winked at her and followed the secretary to the interview room.
Lauren’s grades with high. Her recommendations were genuinely enthusiastic, so she knew she would make it at least as far as the interview. Dr. Gardner, a noted internist, motioned her to be seated in a chair.
“You’re a very pretty girl, Miss Jauregui,” he remarked, peering over his half-moon glasses.
“Thank you,” she replied. What else could she say- You’re not bad yourself, Doctor?
“So?” The doctor, opening a notepad on his desk. “Why do you want to be a doctor? Any special reason?”
“Well to begin with my father is a doctor…”
“Ah so you feel rivalry with him?”
“No. Not at all. I admire him for this work” Lauren lied. She tightened her fists taking a slow, deep breath.
“Your mother is, I assume, not a doctor. So, therefore, by becoming a physician, you displace her as the preeminent woman in the family?”
“Oh please,” Lauren protested with exasperation. “that is a load of sh-… nonsense.” Lauren was still unsure as to whether he was serious or testing her.
“You can say shit, Lauren. You’re free to say anything you wish here.”
“Well then, Doctor Gardner, I think this whole line of questioning is total shit.” Lauren no longer felt obliged to observe any decorum. She clenched her jaw, trying to control her temper. “Look, if you’d taken the trouble to read my essay you would have seen that my little brother died of Leukemia when I was thirteen. So if you’re groping into my subconscious for some deep motives, how about survivor’s guilt? How about the idea that the only way I can justify my existence is by trying to make sure other children don’t lose their sisters and brothers? How about the fact that my family unraveled with grief and is burdened with guilt everyday because of his death.” She lowered her voice and without apologizing asked, “Now how does that grab?”
Gardner looked her straight in the eye (for the first time during the interview) .The interviewer had no reply. He sat for a moment, fumbling with some papers, then rose with a tiny smile and said, “Thank you for your time, Miss Jauregui. We will be in touch.”
She left the office knowing that she had won the round but fearing she had also lost the vote.
————-
Camila entered the room decorated with an awesome collection of laminated kudos. Besides diplomas, there were memberships to all sorts of societies. Not to mention signed letters from every U.S president since George Washington. The director of admissions sat behind a grand mahogany desk while Camila settled onto the chair across him. There was what seemed to be a long silence. Camila leaned forward, body poised as if waiting for a jump ball.
At long last Dr. Gardner opened his mouth and said,”We already have you on the acceptance list. Your grades are extraordinary. Your publication in the Jackson Magazine on the benefits of Alternative and Integrative Science was phenomenal. It would be idiotic to pass on a candidate like yourself.”
Camila was taken aback. She was not expecting him to be this straight forward. Not after hearing the hell he had put Lauren through during their interview. She thought this was some sort of trick.
“Thank you, sir”, she replied politely.
But the next question was also from left field. “While looking through your education record, your undergraduate essay stated you had every intention of pursuing a journalism degree.” He paused and asked, “What drew you to medicine?”
“Because your unrivaled researched facilities will enable me to discover new cures and to cross new frontiers.” She confidently replied.
“Well that sounds well rehearsed.” Dr. Gardner stated with a small smile. “What’s the real reason? As you know, we have more applicants than spaces and we want to be sure that every spot filled will be by someone who is dedicated to their studies. Not a student who is wish-washy about their intent. Why do you want to study medicine, Ms. Cabello?”
“I want to study psychiatry. I want to understand the inner workings of the brain, to study the way emotions play a role in human development, to know how to fix a broken heart.” Camila replied, shocked at her own honesty. “ I need to learn the right way to communicate to someone, to say- I’m here. I love you. I will stay with you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing you do will ever exhaust me. If I can help my person, all of my hard work would be worth it.”
Dr. Gardner tilted his head and looked at her, his expression calm. “How long have you been in love with her?”
“Eight years.” Her voice barely above a whisper.
“You know that unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart,” he said.
Camila brought her hands to her face and exhaled. Part of her could not fathom that she told a complete stranger(the Dean of Admissions!) about a secret that plagued her heart since that first kiss. Since the kiss, she beat down those feelings to a secret place where it hides, curled, and wounded.
“I hope this didn’t ruin my chances of admission.” She smiled briefly, clearing embarrassed by what she had just revealed.
“No, not at all.” Dr. Gardner stood and shook her hand. “You should be expecting a formal letter in the mail. Welcome to Harvard, Miss Cabello.” He said with a grin.
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Anatomy Of Love (Camren Fanfiction)
Fanfiction"The heart has secrets that the mouth refuses to utter." From: 5hfanfiction.tumblr.com
