Light Upon Light

#48 The Feelings Talk

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
Hey my people! I know I know, it's been ages! I would apologize, except I've been genuinely busy with life. Two cousins got married, my own academic life got hectic as end of semester came about and I have had no time at all for writing. But still I tried writing. I've been working on this chapter ever since the last one. It's kind of choppy, but I still love it. Have fun!

#48  The Feelings Talk

Home.

The minute I think of it a grand HD picture of Ashiana comes into display in my mind, greens of varying shades from garden and the ivory of the house itself making it shine. And slowly the camera pans within the house past the entrance hall to the courtyard where my brothers are busy roughhousing, and then to the living hall where Dadi and all her sons are laughing and conversing, and then to the kitchen where the smells of yummy food is complimented by the chatter and giggles of the ladies of the house, and then up the staircase it goes to the first floor and from there to the first room in the West wing.

It was devoid of colours unlike the rest of the house. Absolute silence pervaded the air and made my throat close up. White sheets were thrown upon every single item in the room. Even the hues in the window panes were bleached.

The room reeked of absence. 

The disturbing image was enough to make me jolt upright, clutching my heart which was pounding furiously, my breath coming out in short pants. A survey of my surroundings showed that it was still night time. I was alone in my room. It’s been two days since the wedding and all our relatives left earlier in the day.

Jumping out of bed, I put on my slippers and rushed outside. My shoulders slumped in relief as I stepped into Di's room and turned on the lights. The only sheets were the ones I put on the bed earlier and they were not white. Letting go of the door handle I walked deeper into the room. Some of her clothes and abayas still hung on the hooks in the dressing area. But there were things missing as well. The dressing table was not littered with products and accessories. Di's Qur’an was not in it’s permanent place on the bedside table. There was no library book lying about on the window sill.

And Di was not there as well.

Sitting on our favourite spot I took the multicoloured cushion with tassels and mirrors that was always Di's weapon of choice, and hugged it close. In the span of the last few months she has hurled this stupid thing at me far more times than I would care to count. I hated it because the mirrors and tassels actually hurt, but now all I had was the cushion.

A few hours before she had finally called me up after the wedding. She couldn’t call the day before as she hardly had time to speak to Phuppi let alone the rest of us. I tried conversing normally but I ended up shedding tears when she said she missed all of us.

Ashiana felt so odd without Di here. She’s always been a part of my picture of Ashiana. Home I realized, cannot be limited to a concrete building. Every place is home if you have all your loved ones with you. And home can feel so strange in the absence of a few.

'Juni…’

'Beta wake up,' I heard a muffled voice say as they tapped my shoulder. My back and neck hurt and felt weird but more than anything I wanted to the voice to shut up.

'Junaina. Wake up sweetie,' the voice slowly became more distinct. Lifting my head, and saw a blurred picture of a concerned face looming over me.

'Mom?' I croaked as my vision became clear.

She gave me a smile so tender and stroked wayward strands of hair away from my face with a touch so light, I almost melted right there. 'Go and sleep in your room beta. You’ll get a sprain in your neck of you keep up the posture, come on,' she said pulling me up.