chapter twenty one

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The night air was crisp against my skin as i wondered down the street. My hands shoved deep into my coat pockets, warming them as much as possible. Thoughts of my parents floated across my mind. Images of them, laughing, crying, shouting played like a movie. I missed them and i feel like there's this gaping hole in the center of my heart, pulsing away with every thought of them. They were what kept me whole thought out my life and now that they are gone i feel empty and hollow, i didnt realise how much until now. Untill i remembered how we used to be. Since their death, i hadnt really thought about them. I kept busy, always doing something, focusing on anything other than the soaring pain in my chest. I havent mourned yet. I havent said my goodbyes. I havent coped and I havent wanted too, i've been repressing it as far away as i can, trying to fool myself into thinking it never happened...But it did. My parents are never coming home to me. I'm never going to be ablesee them again and telll them that i love them. It's hard trying to wrap my head around 'never', it sounds weird that i'd never be able to see, hear or touch them again.

Tears welled up in my eyes and cascadeded quickly over my cold, pink cheeks. I pulled my hands out my pockets and feverishly wiped them away, but that didnt help. The sadness had consumed me and i had no control over the constant flow of tears. A sob escaped my mouth, i tried to hide but to no avail. I stopped walking in the middle of the walkway and cried. My hands covering my face as i sobbed into them. This was the first time i'd cried for my parents and i felt guilty for it. 'Do they think i didnt care?'I

 feel like the emotion i should have shown at the funeral was finally here. It had caught up to me, and there was nothing i could do but cry.

I didnt stand there for very long before two warm arms envoloped me into a comforting hug, pulling me tightly to their body.

"Shh, Lils, it's okay." Jeremys whispered into my hair as he gently placed his head on top of mine.

Knowing it was only Jeremy i relaxed into his hold and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, my fists clentching into the back of his shirt, reasurring me that he's here and isnt going anywhere.

We stayed like that for a few moments, me sobbing into his chest and him constantly whispering soothing words into my ear. I started to calm down, my sobs gradually turning into sniffles and hiccups. Once Jeremy was satisfied with me calming down me pulled back holding me at arms reaching,watching me sniffle and hiccup some more. He smiled sadly at me before wiping away my remaining tears.

"There, all better."  

I gave him a watery smile before looking down embarrased at him having seem my breakdown. "Thanks." I mumbled.

"Anytime, it's what i'm here for." Jeremy responded.

Jeremy reached over and linked his arm with mine before pulling me down the street towards home.

"Mum and dad are proud of you, no matter what you do with your life, Lils." Jeremy said, breaking the silence that had surrounded us as we walked.

I looked up at him. "Really?"

He smiled down at me. "Of course." Jeremy pursed his lips as he faced forwards again, thinking. He glanced down at me and i noticed tears welling up in his eyes. I didnt say anything, just squeezed his arm reassuringly and pulled him abit closer. He sighed before sqeezing back.

"They're watching over us...All the time. Making sure we're never alone, even when we feel like there's no one else there, that its us against the world," He paused and took a deep breath. "They'll be standing right beside us and they'll be proud."

I felt a flutter in my heart and the pain dimmed a little at knowing that they're not truely gone. I felt comforted knowing that they are with me all the time.

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