heavy

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i'm holding on, why is everything so heavy?
i'm holding on to so much more than i can carry
i keep dragging around whats bringing me down if i just let go i'll be set free
-linkin park (feat kiiara)
heavy

it had been a few weeks since luke downloaded the app and him and idontknow69 had been growing closer. michael, ashton, and calum went out to grab lunch but obviously, luke said he wasn't hungry and needed to catch up on sleep. the boys didn't put up a fuss with him since in michael's words "he looked like crap". luke sat down on the couch of his hotel room, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. his stomach was begging him to eat but he just felt so fat. he stared at his hands trying to stay focused on something to avoid feeling what he was feeling. eventually, he picked up his phone staring at the black screen without turning it on debating weather or not to message his new friend.

penguinlover69: hey

idontknow69: we're not really going to be awkward about this are we

luke smiled slightly before moving his fingers to type. hoping he wasn't bugging the boy on the other side of the conversation

penguinlover69: lol sorry

idontknow69: you okay?

penguinlover69: i don't know, i just feel horrible. like i'm gonna to pass out and my friends went out without me even though i said i didn't want to go. now i feel so lonely. i'm just sitting on our couch sobbing and i don't know how to fix it

idontknow69: you need to eat something so you don't actually pass out, that's probably also why you feel so emotional. you need to eat.

penguinlover69: i want to look as empty as i feel

ashton stiffened and calum and michael noticed

"dude who've you been texting this whole time?" calum asked trying to peer at ashton's phone

"just a friend"

"you have 3 friends and 2 of us are right here" michael giggled

ashton rolled his eyes dramatically and looked back at his phone

idontknow69: i hate to be that person but you're going to be okay. i think it will help a lot when you talk to your friends about what you're going through. they should be able to help you. you can always do it sooner if you think you need more help.

penguinlover69: i'm so fucking scared to do that. i know there's only a few more weeks until we agreed on it but it seems so soon

idontknow69: i know i'm scared of it too

penguinlover69: i'm gonna take a nap. sorry for bugging you

idontknow69: you could never bug me

ashton sighed quietly and turned off his phone tuning into the conversation michael and calum were having before their food arrived.

luke on the other hand was sitting on the floor of the hotel bathroom sobbing one hand on the floor and one over his mouth. he was trying to calm himself down, he really was but he wasn't having much success. luke was struggling hard and he didn't know what to do. he was having a panic attack even though he didn't comprehend it at the time. sitting on the bathroom floor he started trying to calm himself down by counting bathroom tiles which didn't help much.

luke thought about calling ashton, phone in his hand ready to dial. he sighed as he realized ashton was out having fun with michael and calum and put his phone down next to him hoping this would pass. as luke's crying increased and his breathing got harder, without double thinking it this time he grabbed his phone and called ashton who answered right away

"hey what's up?"

"a-a-ash" he said through tears

"luke? you okay" ashton said which caught the attention of michael and calum who were giving ashton the 'whats happening' stare.

"can't breathe" luke said through a lot of heavy quick breathing and sobs and ashton bit his cheek. "i'll be right there okay?"

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