Her Secret

thirteen | bonfires

After showing each other our tattoo's we decided to hang around for a bit, and considering how long of a day it's been, I think we deserve it.

Zach put a movie on his laptop and we both made ourselves comfortable on the bed, me on the right side and Zach on the left.

"You better not take advantage of me, Lenny." Zach says as he fluffs his pillow and kicks his shoes off.

My eyes roll as I scoff out my reply. "Keep dreaming, Dawson."

"I will." Zack smirks back, sending me a flirty wink.

About half way through the movie my phone rings. I immediately tense and pray that it's not one of my parents again.

I reach for the nightstand to see that it's Dylan. I let out a breath of relief and answered the phone on the last ring.

"Hello?" I answer. Zach sends me a questioning look that I brush off with a wave of my hand.

"Vampy! What's been going on sister?" my brother rushes out. He tried to hide his worry but didn't do a very good job.

"I'm good brother." I say as I leave the room and step into the hall. "I have a few new bad ass experiences under my belt now."

"Oh really?" he asks "You're not as bad ass as me yet, little sister."

I can't help but release a scoff as I reply "Yeah Dyl? I have a tattoo and went sky diving."

Dylan goes silent for a moment before he finally says "Well, you better send me photo's Lee."

I smile into the phone and say "Alright, I'll send some. Also, I think it would be better if you started calling me Sensei, you could learn a thing or two from me in the art of being a bad ass brother."

I could feel Dylan roll his eyes through the phone, but I could also feel his smile. "Alright, Sensei it is then. How is the trip so far?"

"So far so good." I say "We have stopped in Collingwood for the night and tomorrow we'll be in Blue Mountain."

"Sounds fun." Dylan muses "When you get better we'll have do to a something similar, but obviously better since I'd be there."

When I get better. I bite my tongue to keep from reminding him, from forcing him to believe that I may not get better, hell I probably won't. It hasn't gone away even after all of the shit I've been doing, so what's trying again going to do.

I cough the emotion out of my throat and blink back my tears in an attempt to get myself together.

"I gotta go Dyl, dinners here." I say to brush off his last statement. "I'll text you tomorrow." And with that I hang up.

It's probably selfish of me to deflect the talk of me getting better. I know it's for them as much as it's for me. But I can't. Entertaining the idea of a recovery is a world away, it's something I'll never be able to do. Because those kind of thoughts lead to hope, they lead to goals and possibilities for my future, and if that future gets taken away after I spend so much time wanting it, I don't know how I'll handle it.

I've accepted my cancer, it was a brutal reality to swallow, a hard truth, but I somehow did it. And I know I couldn't do it again.

I push the conversation with my brother to the back of my mind and walk back into the hotel room.

Zach raises a questioning eyebrow so I begin to explain my absence.

"Sorry." I say "That was Dylan, you seemed into the movie so I left."

Zach nods in acceptance and then says "Well the movie ended and the ending sucked. So now it's up to you to entertain me Lenny."

"I'm not your babysitter Dawson." I answer as I place my phone back onto the nightstand. "Go find someone else to annoy."