Brew Books

Chapter 32

I think this is the first time I've ever seen Harper look shy. When he pulls back from our kiss, his grin is suddenly bashful. His hair partially covers his eyes, and he pushes it behind his ears in a self-conscious movement. I smile back at him, hoping his shy smile will turn into that huge grin that I am so obsessed with.

Harper swallows.

My smile falters, and I bite my lip, wondering if I should apologise. Am I being a complete idiot? Did I completely misread this situation - this whole night? I don't want to be wrong. I want Harper to want me as much as I want him.

'Jane,' Harper breathes into me. Someone moves behind me, and the crowd forces me forward, towards Harper. He catches me, and grips me in his arms. And then he wraps one hand into my hair and pulls me closer, and kisses me again.

Now that he's controlling it, the kiss is more forceful. He drives it, his hands clenching at my hair and my waist, while my hands are now wrapped around his body, pulling him closer to me. The crowd surges around us, and we move with it, like we're swimming in an ocean.

And it feels like I'm swimming - it feels like I'm drowning. And not like the ocean at Brighton, which is flat and cold and calm, but like a riptide, sucking at me, pulling me into Harper.

I am full to bursting with the kiss when he pulls away. There's this new light in his eyes as he stares at me, and this glimmer of a smile on his face, but it's still so shy. He looks surprised, like he's not really sure that happened.

He opens his mouth to say something, but the crowd jostles us again as the song ends, and he has to pull me close to him and tuck me against his side as people start pushing past us to leave.

We flow with the crowd, surging out of the venue, still not talking, while the conversation buzzes around us. He's holding my hand, and he leads me away from the Roundhouse. For a moment I think we're going straight to the tube, but then finally, finally, Harper speaks.

'Shall we, uh, get a drink?' he asks.

'Yeah,' I say, or breathe. I am still a rush of emotions, from the music and the alcohol and Harper's hand gripping mine, and I feel like I'm floating as we walk through Camden and find a pub.

We both stand at the bar, and I can tell he's just as giddy and jittery as I am. We get cider, and find a booth to squeeze into. Instantly Harper wraps his arm around me and pulls me close to him, and it's the first time that he's ever made a move like that, but it feels so natural to be in his arms.

'Well, that was unexpected,' Harper says, after he takes a sip of his drink. His voice has gained back that cocky self-assuredness, and I want to tease him back.

'Was it?' I ask, raising an eyebrow.

Harper smiles again, that same shy smile. It's not his broad, face-splitting grin that makes him look self-assured and arrogant. It's a bashful, hopeful smile, as if he's waiting for me to tell him it's okay.

'Well, it was unexpected,' he says. 'But I have wanted that to happen for a long time.'

'A long time?'

'That first time you came to the bar, and you were wearing a fluffy jumper, and your hair was all messy from the rain, and you kept tucking it behind your ears, and then untucking it. And you kept looking at your phone. Every five seconds.' Harper says. 'I just wanted to throw your phone across the room and kiss you.'

I laugh, and I press my face against his chest, embarrassed by his memory of me.

'You were nervous. It was cute,' he says. 'But you're not like that anymore. You don't spend every second on your phone. Now it's like... every five minutes.'

I laugh again. 'You were intimidating,' I say. 'Not just you. But the group. I was meeting everyone for the first time. Kitty's friends. I was worried you'd all hate me.'

'Never,' Harper says. 'We could never hate anyone that Kitty loves.'

'But she... well, there was a time when Kitty and I hated each other.'

'Why?' Harper asks. 'What came between you?'

I swallow. 'Kitty never told you guys anything?'

'She said you grew up together, that you're practically sisters. But I know how teenage girls are. I'm sure you fell out over something trivial.'

I laugh. 'Not really.'

'Well, do I ever get to know the story?' Harper asks.

I tense. 'I don't know,' I say. 'What if Kitty doesn't want you to know?'

Harper sighs. 'Kitty loves her secrets. She refuses to tell you about Matt, and she refuses to tell us about you.'

'Why does Kitty hold so much power over us?' I ask.

'Because we're all desperately in love with her sunny disposition,' Harper says. 'She's like a sunflower. And she somehow kept us all together. After Matt left. Somehow we survived.'

'But why...' I say, but Harper shakes his head.

'I don't think I can tell you, Jane. I think it's Kitty's story to tell.'

I lean into him more, and he rubs his hand along my upper arm. I take another sip of my cider, thinking, and when I put it back on the table I say, 'And now we have another secret to keep from the group.'

'Another secret?' Harper asks.

'Us.'

'Us,' Harper says. 'You and me.'

'We shouldn't tell anyone, right?'

'You don't want to tell anyone?'

'Well, I, I don't know,' I say. 'Should we? Does it make it weird?'

Harper takes my hand. 'I want this to be ours, right now. Us. It's ours.'

'Okay,' I say. 'It's ours.'

When we finish our drink, we agree that we should head home, so we walk hand in hand to the tube station. Harper wraps his arm around me again when we're sitting on the tube, and I lean into him. I like how affectionate he is - how he always adjusts himself so that he's close to me. I want this forever. Harper holding me. Harper touching me.

When we get back to the flat, it's late. The bar will be closed by now, and Sylvie and Charlotte will have cleaned up and gone to bed. Ed will have been in bed long before anyone - preparing for his early shift in the café tomorrow. There's no noise coming from either flat.

Harper and I loiter in the hallway, facing each other. He leans against the wall, and leans into me, and kisses me again. 'Come and sleep in my room,' he whispers into my lips.

'Harper,' I say. 'I can't.' But even as I'm saying it, I can't stand the thought of going back to my cold, haunted bedroom, with the dreams and the icy draft.

Harper pushes himself into me, gripping my neck, and kissing me forcefully. 'Please,' he says. 'I don't want to say goodnight.'

I melt at his words, and sink into his embrace, and allow Harper to unlock his door and pull me into his apartment. No one is awake, and we creep through the flat, past Kitty and Charlotte's bedrooms, and up the stairs to the attic room. It's the first time I've been in Harper's bedroom, and I want to pause to take it all in, but as soon as the door is closed Harper launches himself onto me again, kissing me harder. And I wrap my arms around him and kiss him back.

• Author's Note •

Thanks for reading! OMG this is quite an exciting chapter. Are you happy with how things are progressing with Jane and Harper? Do you ship them? Do you think they work well together? Do you have any other ships in this book?

We're quite far through this novel now so I'm actually curious to know some of your thoughts on the characters.

Who is your favourite?

Jane? Harper? Kitty? Ed? Will? Sylvie? Charlotte?

Let me know!

elle xx