Miserable at best

impossible year

only black days and sky grey
and clouds full of fear, storms full of sorrow
that won't disappear
just typhoons and monsoons this impossible year
-panic! at the disco
impossible year

ashton didn't feel mentally stable. at all. he felt like he was about to fall back into a deep depression, and he didn't want to talk to anyone. he was starting to isolate himself again and he didn't like it.

luke had gone to therapy. ashton drove him, he still wasn't exactly trusting of luke. truly, ashton had known since he woke up that he was having a bad day and he knew he should have told luke. it had been about a month since ashton had last self harmed and he was feeling some very strong urges to relapse. which brought him to where he was currently sitting, on the bathroom floor sobbing into his hands. he needed to talk o someone, he needed to go to therapy - as much as he didn't want to admit it. he hadn't gone since before they took a break from touring what was the point.

he was panicking. he didn't want to self harm as much as he did and he knew it didn't make sense. he would just ruin the progress he had spent the past month making, before ashton could fully process what was happening he was having a panic attack. his breathing was unsteady and he was trying his best to calm himself down but was finding that to be unsuccessful as he was just getting more upset he felt like his life was ending. there was no point in living, he felt horrible. like it was impossible to live

he grabbed his phone and pressed on lukes contact, but he didn't pick up. ashton tried calling michael who also didn't pick up. he called calum and he wasn't sure if calum would know how to help him but it was worth a try. he knew calum had anxiety but he wasn't the best at talking someone down.

"ash? what's up"

"c-c-al" ashton shuddered trying to take a breath between each word but just gasping for air

"ash? what's wrong" calum was worried.

"i-i'm having-a-a-a p-an-i-i-i-c-"

calum cut him off, he knew ashton got panic attacks if he was having a bad day, but michael always took him through them. luckily calum was actually at michaels house. the two had went out last night and calum crashed at michaels. michael got absolutely obliterated and was incredibly hungover but hey, calum was gonna wake him up anyways. he wasn't good at this.

"hey ash, listen to me okay? i'm gonna go get michael and he's gonna help you okay?"

ashton nodded before realizing calum couldn't see him "y-yea"

calum sped walked from michaels living room to his bedroom, he felt bad for having to wake michael up but he knew he wouldn't be angry once he knew the circumstances.

calum shook michaels arm "fuck off" michael groaned and calum shook him again "curse the daylight" michael mumbled and put his head under a pillow

" ashton called me and he's having a panic attack and i don't know how to help him"

michael's head reappeared, he kept his eyes closed and made grabby hands for calum s phone "ashton listen to me, tell me 5 things you can see" michael said roughly. it was a long ass night.

ashton knew exactly what michael was doing "t-the toilet" ashton paused "the sink, m-my h-hand, t-t-he tiles, m-m-my b-blade"

the blade statement woke michael right up. he was worried ashton was going to self harm but he knew the panic attack was more important at the moment, he motioned for calum to hand him his phone while he said "4 things you can feel"

he opened the notes on his phone and typed call luke, ash might self harm. calum nodded and stepped out while ashton finished what he could feel

"3 things you can hear"

"y-you, m-my music, t-the tv"

"two things you can smell ash"

"lukes cologne, a candle" ashton said tears still streaming down his face but his breathing was getting easier

"one thing you can taste?"

"coffee"

"feel any better ash?"

"yeah sorry michael, i tried to call you i just-"

"hey ashton. it's okay, call me whenever you're not feeling great, i'm always here for you, you know that right ash?" michael interrupted him

"yeah i do" ashton said extending a leg and sniffling

"alright, calum wants to talk to you. i love you man"

"love you too mike, thank you"

"course" michael said passing the phone back to calum and melting back into his bed, trying to sleep off the headache and nausea

"ashton lukes on his way home can we stay on the phone until he gets there"

"yea"

ashton and calum continued to talk for the 10 minutes it took for luke to get home. when luke arrived in his uber he came inside to find ashton he was sitting in a puddle of his own tears (figuratively not literally) luke felt bad for his boyfriend but he wasn't sure how to comfort him

"baby boy" luke said squatting down next to his sobbing boyfriend

"i'm" ashton gasped "so sorry luke"

"no baby it's okay. you're alright it's okay" luke wondered what set him off but he knew right now wasn't the best time to bring it up

ashton shook his head because he knew it wasn't okay, he wasn't okay. he would have self harmed if he didn't call calum and that wasn't okay

"ash love look at me" luke said and ashton turned to luke "you're gonna be okay, we can take you to therapy tomorrow and we can help you feel better okay?"

ashton nodded "i'm so sorry luke"

"it's alright babe, i love you so much you know that right?"

ashton nodded and luke took out his phone to call ashton's therapist and make an appointment for the next morning. "how about we go to sleep ash? you've got therapy at 8 tomorrow morning and you've gotta be well rested for that"

"sleep with me?"

"of course"

and so ashton and luke cuddled up into bed, ashton quickly drifted off into a deep sleep leaving luke to wonder why ashton was getting so bad again.