Miserable at best

tv

did you see me on tv?
i'll try not to starve myself
just because you're mad at me
tv
billie eilish

luke laid on his couch, legs pulled into his chest sorta watching the tv but mostly getting in his own head. he closed his eyes and laid there before hearing his own voice coming out of his television. he opened his eyes to see a clip from an interview he forgot the band filmed a month or two ago being promoted. it was airing tomorrow, he stared at himself and paused the tv. he looked horrible, he was so fat and everyone watching whatever the channel he landed on was, was seeing the same thing he was. a tear rolled down his cheek as he criticized himself from a month ago, knowing he has just gotten fatter since then. he's been eating a bit more, ashton was watching him during meal times. currently, ashton was playing drums in his basement. the pair had moved ashton's drums into luke's house a week ago, it was a good coping mechanism for him and ashton didn't want to go home and be alone. they were basically living together.

luke mulled around his thoughts, he needed to lose weight. he needed to talk to ashton. he needed help. but he wasn't going to talk to someone or get help, he honestly wasn't going to do anything. he wasn't going to eat, he didn't plan on getting off the couch any time soon, he just wanted to waste away on the couch. he grabbed the remote and changed the channel, supernatural was on and he settled on that, it was mind numbing enough to not have to think.

ashton practiced for a solid 2 hours while luke watched tv and cried a little. when ashton was done, he walked upstairs and into the kitchen with the intention of getting something to drink and taking a shower before he saw luke on the couch. ashton grabbed a glass of water and luke turned his head at the sound of cabinets opening, the two made eye contact but no words were shared. ashton took a few sips of water and looked at luke "i'm gonna shower and the we can do lunch?"

luke didn't reply but ashton swore he saw him nod so he walked into the downstairs bathroom and hopped in the shower. he was doing good today, drumming helped him when he was doing it for fun. he hadn't self harmed since michael and calum stayed over a few days ago but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it. it was a quick shower, he just wanted to clean off the sweat but nonetheless he took a solid 15-20 minutes. when he exited the bathroom, luke was in the same position as he was when ashton walked into the bathroom which he expected. he walked into the kitchen and made them both ham and cheese sandwiches, giving luke a side of fruit - he'd appreciate that.

"luke, lunch is ready" ashton said setting down his and luke's plates before grabbing himself a cup of water and luke a juice box.

he sat down at the table and looked at the couch, luke wasn't getting up "luke? lunch?" ashton said again but luke didn't move. ashton took a bite of his sandwich and got up, walking over to luke and sitting down on the floor in front of him

"are you okay?" ashton said looking into luke's eyes. luke didn't reply and kept his eyes trained on supernatural.

"luke please talk to me?"

"i don't want to talk, i just want to watch tv"

"what's going on"

"i don't feel good" luke said, still avoiding eye contact with ashton. he knew he would break if he looked at ashton in the eyes

"mentally or physically?"

luke shrugged and ashton bit his lip. "can you come eat lunch please?"

luke could probably get away with playing sick for a day without throwing up or magically having a fever, that would buy him another day without having to explain himself to ashton. "stomach hurts"