Across Acheron

Session 16

Niamh got a car for us to drive in.

It was an old, beat up Jeep that sputtered dangerously, the engine sounding close to a strangled sheep. Even though she warned us that it wouldn’t last to get to Rosebay, Keenan didn’t complain like I expected him to.

Faeries were strange things. Although he hadn’t said a single word to me since we left Niamh’s and kept a mood so foul that it could’ve given Lucifer nightmares, Keenan still managed to get my heart thrumming like the first time he touched me. Even though things didn’t turn out the way I would’ve liked, I found myself wanting to pause and rewind. I wanted to go back to that instant where Keenan seemed more human; to a time where it looked like he sincerely cared.

I believed I deserved that much. Ever since I woke up in Cillian’s yard, I hadn’t been capable of hanging onto anything good. Everything I liked always seemed to dissolve into the air around me like smoke from a fire, lingering around until it choked me dry.

But damn it, I still wanted it to last. I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling exactly. I refused to admit that it was true love, mostly because I didn’t know the difference between loving and lusting. One seemed just as bad as the other, either way. Even if you asked how I felt about him now, I still wouldn’t know how to answer you. It confuses me too, but I guess that’s not anyone else’s fault but mine.

Anyway, droplets of rain began to pour from the sky, stealing away the silence that we tried to keep. Keenan kept a steady grip on the steering wheel as if it would run away if he didn’t, still refusing to say a word to me or even look my way. His attitude was starting to piss me off, but I never understood why I thought I was going to get more out of him other than that. I felt pretty stupid and embarrassed because of it, to be honest. I’m about 50% sure Keenan knew that as well, but he made no show of knowing.

I didn’t even know how long we had been driving for. No matter how hard I think about it, I still can’t remember. I guess it was because I was so goddamn worried about everything. I kept playing with my thumbs and stealing glances at him from the corner of my eye, like a little boy with a stupid school crush.

I gripped my seatbelt, trying to think of anything other than the gigantic mistake I was making. But I kept hearing my mother’s voice in my head, her past warnings sounding like echoes in a big room.

I knew that whatever she said was right, no matter how hard I tried to block out the sound. Humans weren’t made to be friendly with faeries. It was plain and simple that it wouldn’t end alright. Things like that never worked out the way you wanted it to. If I didn’t let him touch me, or hold me, or do any of the crap he did, I would’ve been alright. But like always, I never listened when I was supposed to. I never listened to myself when I knew I should’ve run away, and I definitely didn’t listen to my mother when she warned me about him.

Damn, she would probably have a stroke if she stood witness to what I had succumbed to. Thinking about that sort of made me sad. I mean, have you ever wondered if your mother was ever proud of you? Even though you fucked up more than a few times, do you ever think that somewhere deep down in her heart, she still loved you anyway?

I found myself thinking that a lot ever since Cillian died. I wondered if she would ever forgive her boys for going at each other’s throats, or forgive me for getting tied up with a devil. I would like to believe that she would, but the thing is, Cillian believed that as well.

The last thing I wanted was to turn up like him.

Anyway, it didn’t take long for the stillness to break me. Any other day, I wouldn’t mind his quiet. But it began digging into my skin and clawing at my chest, bothering me more than it should’ve.