Suicide Helpline

l a s t | v o i c e m a i l

*hands out tissues*

"Hey,

Super-girl here reporting for her last mission.

I've kind of accepted that you're not going to answer any of my messages and...seeing as this is what you considered to be your last day of living that ...it terrifies me. For all I know you could be dead right now. I'm silently praying that you're not because...you're not a bad guy Shane. No matter how much you think you are, you're not. I know you haven't forgiven yourself but you still have time. You have your whole life ahead of you to earn that forgiveness so I...I pray that you allow yourself to have that time because...because sometimes you don't have as much time as you'd like.

I guess this is a good a time as any to tell that I was diagnosed with Leukemia a couple of months ago.

I...I went to the hospital on my own accord; I didn't tell anyone else. I...I didn't really think it was much but I went anyway...just to be safe, you know? I'd just been getting these random headaches and nosebleeds and I just kept feeling so damn tired all the time, not to mention the frequent vomiting. I found myself exhausted at the tiniest of things so...I went to the hospital. They...they told me that I had cancer, Leukemia, and that I only had a couple of months to live. They offered me chemotherapy but I...I refused. I...I guess I just didn't see the point. Only a dismal percentage of chemotherapy patients survived and...for those who died it only prolonged their lives for a couple of months. And I...I didn't want that.

I didn't want the sympathetic glances people give you when they know you're going to die. I...I didn't want people to change the way they thought of me just because I was dying and...and most importantly I didn't want people to act differently around me. I didn't want people to just all of a sudden be nice to me because I was dying. 

I didn't want them to see me as the 'girl who was dying'.

So...I left the hospital and never went back.

I just took my death sentence and left.

I never told anyone. I came up with excuses for my pale face and shaky breath. I...I went through the last days of my life like I wasn't going to die and that's...that's all I ever wanted for myself.

My dad realized his mistakes on his own, not because I was dying. And...and I became a better person. The sudden stop clock on my life made me rethink things. It made me realize that I was wasting my life away making others miserable for my own fear of being alone. I realized that it was better to die true to myself than surrounded by people who didn't really know me. So...I started to reform myself and then...then you came along, Lost Boy.

I can't thank you enough for making the last month of my life worth living.

I don't know when I'm going to die but...judging by the date the doctors have given me and the concerning shortness of my breath, I would say pretty soon. Not long left of Cleopatra Quinn. Not long at all.

Vaughn refused to let either me or Eddie use his motorbike to race up to London and stop you from...from killing yourself. He said as much as he wanted to that we would probably kill ourselves in the process and seeing as the trains have been called off due to snow I have no way of getting to you to tell you this in person. I guess the world is against us. I think it always has been but...that never really stopped us, did it?

I got your letter.

I haven't actually read it yet because I have some idea of what it will contain and I don't necessarily want to collapse into a mess of tears so I'll... I'll leave it to my imagination, I think.

I guess this is goodbye from me but...the truth is death doesn't...death doesn't really let you say goodbye. I don't think anyone is ever ready for someone to stop breathing. You either get hit by a bullet or you don't. We don't really get to choose who lives or dies. Most of the time. But you...you have the choice that I never got to make, Lost Boy.

You do get to choose and I beg you to choose wisely because you are not a villain. Yes, you made mistakes but you have to forgive yourself because...I forgive you. I forgive you for becoming one of the only things that made me want to stay but...I can't. So...you have to stay for me, Lost Boy. I can only be alive for as long as you remember me and you...you can't remember me if you're dead.

And...and it would be kind of nice to be remembered by the Lost Boy I love.

I don't know what happens after death but I hope it isn't just black nothingness. I also hope that I don't get reincarnated into a snail although, if I do, I'll be sure to form that snail rebellion of yours.

I'm not going to cry because that would be like mourning my own death. I'm going to smile because my life has been a pretty great one, and that's mainly down to you, despite your obvious ignorance of that particular fact. 

You are the most aggravating, adorable, loving, caring, selfless, kind person that I have ever met and...I love you. I do. But...I had to go and...I'm sorry that I did but there are some things that I can't change and this...this is one of them.

But...don't think of it as me leaving. Think of it as...as me moving into the sky so that I can get a better view of your life as it continues. Because it will continue, mark my words Lost Boy. I don't want you joining me up here anytime soon.

Choose a star in the sky and that can be me and...and just because you won't be able to see that star in the daylight doesn't mean it won't be there. That...that's the same with me. I...I'll always be with you, Shane. Even if you can't see me.

In my death, you've earned yourself a guardian angel and she loves you so, so much so...don't let her down by ending your life sooner than it should.

Goodbye Lost Boy, it has been an honour to be your Super-girl."