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Things are fantastic!

We've settled into our Cali home-away-from-home only yesterday and it's stunning. It even has its own underground pool and hot tub. It's a little cold for that though, usually being 13°, or 55° Fahrenheit as the locals would say. The house includes four bedrooms and four bathrooms, and a luxurious kitchen stocked with all food imaginable.

Which... isn't desirable right now.

I'm fine, honestly. I've been cutting back on the amount of calories I have because, is it really necessary to have more than 3,000 calories a day? Is it really even necessary to have more than 2,000 calories a day? Not likely.

Since the movies, I've been skimming out on food here and there. But I've still been gaining weight. The day before we left for L.A., I met with my psychiatrist, therapist, and nutritionalist. I got weighed and I nearly reached a healthy BMI, 18.5. Which got me thinking, why do I have to have a BMI of over 18.5? Not everyone is the same, I'm not an exception. My BMI could be lower and I'd be just fine.

So, I've been skimming out on food. No one has noticed because it isn't a noticeable amount. It's very noticeable to me though. Everything is magnified when it comes to food.

But it's fine, everything's fine.

Music has been doing well. We've written a decent amount of lyrics to a song we haven't named yet, but it started with my lyrics. They were from one of my journals from treatment. Ashton was over a few days before we left for L.A. - we were having a lazy day in my room - and he found one of my journals and asked if he could see inside.

I was pretty nervous, because those are my darkest thoughts written down and put on display on each page. I only ever intended for me to read it, not anyone else.

But I told him he could go ahead. He read the first page and I could see the emotions whirring on his face. And I knew exactly why, I remember what I wrote clearly. All I did was talk about how much I'd rather be dead than eat anything the center served me. He looked like he was going to cry as he read but he never did. In the end, I was the one to cry. He looked up from the page, and noticed a silent tear go down my face.

He scooted over to me, as we were both sitting on the floor of my room, and he put his arm around me.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," I apologize, "all I do is cry now," I attempt to chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. He ignores my attempt, and asks again.

I sigh. "I don't like upsetting you like that. Those are... really dark thoughts. And I don't want to hurt you in any way, even if it's from reading my thoughts from the past," I tell him.

He gives me a sad smile. "Yeah, it's upsetting, but it shows how far you've come. Look at you now! You're doing amazing Luke. We're all so proud of you."

That conversation makes me feel a little guilty, although I don't understand why honestly.

He kept going through the journal, because I gave him the okay to, and he found some lyrics scribbled here and there. His favourite lyrics were written on one of my worst mental days there.

We have nearly all the lyrics to that song written, but we aren't sure on the title yet. We aren't even sure if we're going to have it be on the album. It's really depressing, and that's not the vibe we're going for. Maybe a sad song here and there, but not depressing. We want the songs to be upbeat and fun.

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