I Would Kill For You

30. The Aftermath

❝ desiring another person is perhaps the most risky endeavor of all. as soon as you want somebody—really want him—it is as though you have taken a surgical needle and sutured your happiness to the skin of that person, so that any separation will now cause a lacerating injury. ❞

elizabeth gilbert

__________

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: I'm not a psychologist, nor do I claim to be. The diagnosis of Ellie's mental disorder is purely based on my own research. 

Furthermore, I am in no way implying that people who suffer from the same mental illnesses are killers or dangerous. 

__________

Days had passed by. Meaningless days. I had always tried to live life to the fullest, but now, it didn't even seem worth trying. It was as if I didn't know what to do with myself in Damian's absence; I was constantly stricken by depressive thoughts and hopelessness. After Ellie's funeral, people found out that she was the killer. I was actually afraid of getting out of my house, of running into Paul or Avery's family, or even Devon. I was terrified of going back to school and facing the cyclone of rumours, accusations or fake smiles that were heading inevitably towards me. With Damian gone, I felt defenceless; akin to a vulnerable, limping doe in the middle of voracious vultures. 

I felt alone.

Nothing was going to be the same anymore. I realized that I didn't even have any other girl friends but Avery and Ellie. And now that they were gone, I didn't have anyone. 

Anyone but me. 

And that was enough. For a while, it was enough. I believed that one's happiness and welfare depended solely on themselves. No one and nothing could ease my pain but time. I grieved the loss of Avery, I grieved the loss of my best friend, I grieved everything that she was, our friendship. I didn't let her mental illness define my memory of her. 

So when I thought of her, I didn't think about her smothering me with a pillow, or her aggrieved suicide note, or about the fact that she stalked me and Damian. I didn't think about her suffocating Monica and Avery with her bare hands, because that wasn't who she was to me. To me, she was the kind, rational and sensible girl who never wanted to get into conflict with anyone.

But she was still a murderer. And that haunted me daily.

"Borderline personality disorder and obsessive love disorder ?" I asked incredulously, skimming through the signs and symptoms on the paper before me.

"You don't sound very convinced." doctor Olivia Price remarked. She was the one that diagnosed Gabrielle based on her suicide note and the statements that everyone gave.

I was at the police station again, but this time detective Carter wasn't present, to my relief. It was only detective Nichole, the clinical psychologist and me. 

"Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation, unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, self-damaging behaviour..." I quoted, shaking my head in disapproval. "I've known Ellie for years, and none of these applies to her." 

"But you have described her behaviour as unpredictable and volatile in the Belfort lake house." the psychologist countered.

"That is correct. It was a complete shock to me. She has...had never acted that way before. She looked desperate and was crying hysterically."