" and you, my father, there on that sad height,
curse, bless me now with your fierce tears i pray.
do not go gentle into that good night.
rage, rage against the dying of the light "
blood runs thicker than water.
| dying of the light by kona |
|...
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HALO STARED INTO THE FLAMES.
the fires burned every night. for heat, for light. she had never noticed them because they were always there, burning quietly, being tended to by no one. they licked and reached desperately for the sky, but the long tendrils of their bodies never quite made it. always reaching. always failing.
they burned the cool skin of her cheeks. reflected in the azure of her irises. she felt hot. but it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough to drive away the cold beginning to blossom inside of her.
this place had been her whole life. this temple, it was her home. she knew every edge of the island, every creature, every tree. she knew the song of the rise and fall of the tides below, the way the sun looked as it peered over the jagged cliffs. she was made of it. it was a part of her.
the force was dense here. coating every surface, weaving itself deep into her soul. it was a comfort as much as it was a fear. it was a balance. a scale in which she had not yet found her place.
but even so, she felt it tipping.
slowly. quietly.
but something was changing. something inside of her was screaming, blaring with every waking second for her to open her eyes. as if it was right in front of her. but the language was foreign, asking a question for which she had no answers.
she felt useless.
and cold.
she watched as the flames cast shadows over her palms. tiny scars littered her skin. silvery and pure, scars she was proud of. the decorations of a jedi.
but suddenly, she did not know whose hands she was looking at.
everything felt so alien. for a moment, she could hardly remember who she was.
a cool metal hand was pressing into her skin, a calming and formidable presence was easing her turbulent thoughts. immediately, the world around her stilled, and once more, the flames were just flames.
she drew the blanket around her shoulders closer.
"talk to me, halo."
the voice of her master echoed in her ears. she could practically feel his deep eyes piercing into her soul. she did not want to look at him.
"do you feel it?"
she could hardly register that she had spoken. the words flew out before she could think.
"i feel like i am being torn apart. slowly. painfully. but it's not me. it's not me who's feeling those things, is it?"
she turned to look at luke, his eyes were sad.
"it's not you."
she pressed her lips together. a part of her felt like crying, but she aggressively suppressed her tears, urging herself to control the emotions that tumbled wildly inside of her.
calm. she needed to be calm.
with every breath, her senses were restored. and her master gazed at her self-control with approval, and apprehension.
"i don't know what to do," halo spoke softly, her voice slow and lifeless.
"we must do as the force wills us," luke spoke, his hand squeezing her shoulder gently. "and you know that, halo. you are stronger than you think. the purest soul i have ever known."
halo's lips tugged at the corner, prompting the tears that welled in her eyes to finally spill over.
she leaned into her master's side, and wrapped an arm around him, as a child would to their father.
"does my care for ben corrupt me?" she asked fearfully. "i know it is not the way. not the way of a true jedi. but..."
"but you love him."
halo's cheeks burned. she had not yet admitted it to even herself.
luke sucked in a sharp breath, and followed her gaze to the fire.
"love is not something to fear, or to control. but you must not ever let it control you."
something inside of her twisted knowingly. as if the force was willing her to come to the conclusion she already knew, to accept it, to act on it.
but she couldn't.
she couldn't.
she knew the paths that faced ben. and she knew which side pulled him the hardest.
she didn't know if she was enough to push him down the other one.
"thank you," halo whispered after a subdued silence passed between them. for some reason, it felt important that she speak these words.
"for what, halo?"
there were so many things she could thank her master for. her had plucked her from the void, showed her that she was capable of doing things she never dreamed of, proved to her that she was just as strong as even a sith, that she was a force of good, of kindness, and strength. he had made her into the young woman she was becoming today. he had raised her. he was the father she never had. the greatest man she had ever known.
but she could not possibly put all of these things into words.
"for everything. for all of it."
they stared into the flames in silence, not knowing that behind them, a young boy was waging war on himself. a war that he could not win. a battle that would kill whatever was left of him.
