Chapter 3: Just Go

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"..."

We were both silent. I was trying to speak through the lump that was starting to expose itself in my throat.

"...just go." I manage to get out. My face was now full of complete despair. I didn't want to be living. I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want to know that someone else was wasting their precious life on someone like me.

Bon looked me in the eyes. "O-Okumura...."

I snap. "Just go! Don't waste your time on me! I don't deserve it...." I realize what I had just said as Bon processes. His face turns, once again, into pure surprise.

"Okumu-.... Rin.... is that really how you feel? Do you feel like everyone else is precious and you're not? Because, trust me, you are. Even though you're the son of Satan. That doesn't make you less.... you. It was difficult to handle at first, but if you wanted to kill us you would've done it before we knew. Please, Rin. Let me help you." Bon was trying. He really was. But it wasn't enough in the end.

I felt my heart sink to my stomach and dread fill every bone. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to be forced to let my feelings out. It already hurts so much inside I want to die, I can't imagine how much it'll hurt once I let it all out. "I'm leaving. Don't tell anyone anything, or I swear to God I'll burn you until there's nothing left." Sure I want them to trust me, but I also need to let him know how much I don't wanna talk. I also can't risk him doing anything that will let anyone else know about this little encounter.

Bon looked as if he was about to say something, but held back. I turn my back to him and start walking back to the dorms. My head starts to pound as I walk faster and faster to the dorms, eventually breaking into a sprint, and then a run.

I reach the doors. I don't think Yukio was home yet, but he never told me whether or not he had a mission. I was hoping not, because then I could cut comfortably in our room. Otherwise, I'd have to do it in the bathroom standing rather uncomfortably. I'd prefer if the last time I cut was in the best way possible. I open the doors.

No one in sight.

Good.

I run upstairs as fast as I can and close my bedroom door behind me. I reached my hand under the soft pillow, it's smooth texture rubbing against my skin, sending chills down my spine. Here I found one of my many blades, this one was from a pencil sharpener. I new it had a blade so I got a screwdriver and got it out.

I pick up the blade and let the metal work it's magic, all up and down my arm. I switched hands and was getting prepared to shred my other arm much like I had done to my right one, when something interrupted me.

"Nii-San? Are you in here?" A familiar voice sounded.

Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. Fuck. How was I going to explain this? My hand freezes. My whole body goes numb. My face goes blank. I didn't know what to do. I was screaming at myself to do something, anything! However, my body decided not to react. Instead I just sat there. Still.

"Nii-San, what're you-" Yukio stares back in horror.

His newly pale face turned from happy to horrified. He slaps his hands over his mouth. I could tell he wanted to say something but, much like my body, he froze. I knew exactly what was going through his mind in this moment.

'What was he thinking? He is nothing, he doesn't deserve this sweet release he's been getting. I have to stop him!'

I put the blade in my pocket and walk to our first aid kit Yukio was required to have in the room in case I went ballistic on someone. I pick it up and bring it to my bed, sitting down.

Yukio walks over to me. "N-Nii-San.... I-I....." He was speechless.

I continue to open the kit and pull out some gauze and bandages, beginning to patch myself up.

"Nii-San. Listen.... what.. what were you doing just now?" Yukio's face looked like he wanted an excuse. He never did like the truth.

"I fell earlier today, and so I was trying to patch it up."

"B-but the blade-"

"I was trying to move it. I have no idea how it got in here, but it was in the way. I decided to see how sharp it was, while trying not to accidentally cut myself. I was just curious." I look up at him. This is what he has always wanted. An excuse. Even if it's not a good one, it's good enough for him. He just doesn't want to accept that I'm probably depressed. I didn't want him to know either. I don't want to corrupt his mind.

Yukio flashes a smile and speaks,"Okay, Nii-San. Just be sure to not do it again! It's dangerous! I don't want you hurting yourself now!" And with that, he turns around and starts walking, I think to the kitchen.

Shit. I hadn't cooked dinner yet. And I still need to cook three extra lunches for Yukio when I'm gone. I finish wrapping up my arms and start to head towards the kitchen.

AHHH ok, so I know it was supposed to be out yesterday, but yesterday was crazy busy, so I'm doing it this morning. It's like 950 words, but I figured you guys would want something rather than nothing. Again, I'm so sorry about not posting yesterday! I'll try to keep on top of it.

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