He's All I Have

•4•

My whole life I had been sheltered, never allowed  to interact. Even my mind felt caged. Yesterday at service, it felt like all my worries had been lifted away. Everything felt all to real. I could feel an amazing kind of peace. I went through the verse in the Bible one more time before I closed it and went to prepare supper. Dinner was ready in an hour and I dished up for everyone.

"Results are on Monday, are you ready for them?" Dad asked as we ate our dinner.

"Not really." I answered.

And it was the truth. I was not ready and that was that. I spent a lot of time studying for those, which was easy since I am naturally a nerd, have no TV and no phone. Books were interesting but I made sure not to borrow any new ones in and around exams.

"I know you worked hard on them T, it doesn't matter what the results say, I know you put your all into it." My mom encouraged.

"Thanks mom." I said, smiling.

Except that it did matter what the results said. It meant the difference between being free at a far away university or being cooped up in this house for the next few years. The far away universities were the best ones in the country but they also required your grades to be very good.

"Have you chosen what you want to do yet?" My father asked.

"I'm not sure yet daddy. Medicine or Architecture." I answered.

Truth be told, I had no idea what I wanted to do and the main protagonist in the book I was currently reading studied those so they weree the first things that popped into my mind.

"Both good choices." My father said.

He was usually bland when it came to talking.

"Ohhh I can't wait to see you graduating. It will be soo cool." Lucy squealed.

"Okay okay, let's reverse it a bit. I haven't even gotten my results yet." I said.

I didn't want to get her hopes up before I was sure of anything.

"We all know you passed but it's okay if not talking about it makes you feel better."

Conversations filled the house as we finished our meal. After cleaning up I went upstairs. I had been waiting to go upstairs since dinner. I had a Bible waiting for me to read. I scrambled on my bed and just as I was about to remove my Bible from it's hidden spot, the door opened.

"Lucy, I told you to knock before coming in." I complained.

"Soooorry," she apologized dragging the word.

"It's alright. Come on in." I said.

Lucy came in and plopped onto the bed. She stared at the ceiling just as I was and for the next few minutes was just stayed that way, no words exchanged. Lucy's voice finally broke the silence.

"I saw you at dinner." She said.

Saw me? I hope she wasn't getting suspicious about my behaviour.

"Huh?," I asked, trying to source information from her without giving anything away.

"You don't want to do medicine or architecture." She stated, very sure of herself.

"You're right, I don't. I had to tell dad something though and that's all I came up with." I confessed.

"Why can't you become a teacher?" She asked me.

I thought about it for a second.

"No, I don't think I can deal with children for that long."

"Pilot?"

"No. Scared of heights."

"Engineer?"

"Too hard."

"Mathematician?"

"Too weird." I answered.

Lucy burst out laughing and I followed right after. Nothing sounded fancy for me in all that she suggested.

"How about journalism? Psychology maybe?" She suggested again.

"No, wait, those actually sound pretty good." I agreed.

And they did. I doubted my father would think the same though. He always believed that one should do a career in the sciences or mathematics department. That's not what I fancied however.

"Try telling dad that. Goodnight." She said as she closed the door behind her.

Typical Lucy, always starting conversations and leaving before we finish talking.

I opened up my Bible and started reading, "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Died for us? Someone died for me? Of was still a hard reality for me to put a grip on. I decided to do something I hadn't done before. Pray.

"God, if you are there, please, show me." I prayed.

I closed my Bible and rested my head  on top of it. Unplanned tears breamed in my eyes. My heart was heavy. I could feel the weight of my own actions. Every bad thing I've ever done. My own sins. They were too heavy I couldn't stop crying. I went down on my knees and cried.

I don't know how long I cried for but afterwards all I felt was a calm. "Go, I will be with you" a clear voice said to me.

"God?" I stammered.

"Yes." He answered.

That was the last thing he said to me that night. He was real. He was so clear. I had no idea what the pastor would say at the service this week. All I knew was that when he asked people to receive Jesus, I'd be the first one to run to the front.

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Scripture Reference : Romans 5:8