Jungkook: The Friendly Ghost

12. Fate

I lost track of time.

Time didn't matter. I knew I wasn't going to step away before Jungkook was calm. I kept my anger under wraps and focused on comforting him the only way I knew how. He needed a hug and I am the only one that can give that to him. So I just let him hold me and sob into my shoulder.

I remember the fucker comparing his lack of ejaculation to a party without fireworks; he feels it but it's not... hm, obvious. You see no... product of his satisfaction. I think the same can apply to crying because as much as he was sobbing violently, losing all control, there were no tears wetting my t-shirt and ruining his face.

Lack of tears didn't make him appear any less broken.

He's the one who let go of me. He's the one who broke the embrace and I could still see it clear on his face that he didn't really want to do it. I decided to lie down on the floor and in a matter of seconds, he did the same.

And here we are now, lying on my living room floor, staring up at the ceiling with a very confused GD circling us. I can feel Jungkook inching closer to me, almost as if he doesn't want to stop feeling the physical presence of someone else.

I sigh, knowing that he's holding back, despite this probably being the only time I would allow him to do whatever the hell he wants. The stupid boy is holding back when he shouldn't and he goes all out when he really needs to hold back. When I reach for his hand and lace our fingers together, he says nothing but the grip in which his hand holds onto mine tells me everything I need to know.

"It's okay," I tell him, knowing he understands that I'm referring to the hand holding. "I'd need it too if I were you. It's good."

"Thank you."

"Fuck Jungkook, don't thank me for something as simple as that," I roll my eyes. I honestly don't know what's worse, when he's playful and teases me 24/7 or when he turns into one big softy like he is now. "Why didn't you tell me? I really thought you were dead all this time. Why didn't you tell me you were alive?"

I can't explain it. It's irrational, just like everything about Jungkook is. I feel... hurt. It seems as if he did not trust me enough to tell me the truth, to tell me that he's still alive. It kind of hurts, knowing that I am the only person he has and that he still didn't trust me enough to be completely honest with me.

And why I'm hurt by a ghosts' lack of trust in me... that is a question I can't quite answer yet.

"It's not about trust, JJ," he tells me and I turn my head around to face him. If he was human, I'd be worried with our proximity. Our faces are only inches apart, his breath hitting my face as he speaks. He can even breathe. "I do trust you. I don't have anyone else but you."

"Then why haven't you told me?" I ask. "I'm trying to understand where you're coming from Kook but I don't get it. You are alive. That's a big deal. And that also might explain why you're in this... limbo."

"But I'm not alive," he takes a deep breath, shaking his head. "You don't get it. It's worse than being dead. I go to the hospital and see myself, pale and thin, lying there with all those tubes and machines keeping me alive. I see my parents crying, I see how difficult it is for them to move on. And I wouldn't be seeing all of this if I had actually died. It's worse than death and I'm as good as dead."

"But you're not dead," I shake my head. "You're still here, holding onto life. Barely, I'll acknowledge that but for whatever reason your body is holding on. You're still alive, even if it doesn't feel that way."

"And what good is that to me?"

He isn't feisty or angry. He's just... sad. Once again, he's just a sad boy.