Single Father • Namjoon + BTS!Kids

cxiii.

"Don't open it."

"Open it."

"Don't open it."

"Okay, okay, I'm opening it," Tae gave in rather easily, ignoring Jin's halfhearted protests because, despite their misgivings, they were all extremely curious as to what lay inside.

"Wait, wait, wait," Jin interrupted before Tae could flip the page. "You know that this is an invasion of Yoongi's privacy, right? If he finds out, he won't ever forgive you."

"If," Tae emphasized. "And he won't just not forgive me, he won't forgive us." He smirked at his culprits in crime before doing an exaggerated shrug. "But you're right, wise hyung. I'll just put the book back and we won't ever think about it ever again," he said, already moving towards the bed, but then he laughed, sitting back down. "Just kidding. Like I'd ever miss out on this opportunity."

He flipped open to the first entry and began to read it aloud.

"I'm not starting this shit off with some stupid Dear Diary crap. I don't even know why I bought this or why I'm actually writing in it. It just feels like maybe there's some thoughts that I don't want to give voice to, thoughts I'd rather just get out somewhere no one will ever see them-"

Tae paused his recitation to grin at Kookie and Jin before going back,

"- instead of saying them out loud. They just feel more...real that way, somehow. Like they're valid. But I don't want to believe that they are valid because that makes it worse. It makes me worse. Sometimes, my thoughts make me feel like a monster. But it's not like I wanted to think about these things. It just happens, and I can't stop it, but if I let them sit in my head, I feel like they'll poison my brain. I just need to get them out, and maybe one day I can look back and read through this book and see how much I've changed - for the better, I hope - and everything will be fine. For now, though, everything isn't fine, so I need to start writing."

[Yoongi's Diary, Preface]

Tae paused. "That's the end of the first page. Now let's see what the next entry-"

"Stop," Jin said, leaning past his bed to grab Tae's wrist. "This sounds like something we shouldn't be hearing," he said, brows furrowed. "I mean, didn't you just read what Yoongi said? This isn't going to be a happy story."

Tae just laughed sharply. "Of course it's not going to be a happy fricking story, Jin. But I have no idea what's going on in Yoongi's life since he was never the sort of person to tell us anyway, and now that we're living in separate houses, I barely even see him at all. I want to know what Yoongi's been feeling, what he's been thinking. Of course it won't be happy. But that's why I need to read it, because I feel like I don't even know Yoongi anymore. Of all people, Jin, you should know exactly how I feel."

Jin was caught off-guard, his mouth hanging open. He wanted to ask what Tae meant by Of all people, you should know, but he had a sinking suspicion that he already knew.

"Just go on," Kookie said softly. "And if it gets really bad, we'll just stop, okay?"

Tae nodded, but he didn't seem particularly keen on stopping.

"I'm pissed at Dad. I know I shouldn't be, but I am, and I can't fight it."

Tae stopped reading for a second to check something. "This is dated back to a year before Jimin was found," he said quietly before turning back to the entry.

"It's not that I don't love him. I do. But he's lifeless. He seems to think that he's the only one feeling dead inside. Can't he see us? Can't he see me? Doesn't he know that we're all in just as much pain as he is? No, Jimin isn't my son, but he's my brother, and that means just as much. It's like Dad has given up on the rest of us just because Jimin is gone. It's like that stupid parable in the Bible where he loses a sheep. Yeah, that's bloody sad and all, but the guy still had 99 sheep. What about them? What if something happened to them when the shepherd went looking for the one? What if their stable or whatever caught on fire and they all died while he found his missing sheep? I feel like the 99.

I have this horrible thought that's been eating away at me. I know it's horrible and awful and that I'm a terrible person for thinking it, but...It keeps coming back and I can't stop it. I'm kind of pissed at Jimin because it's his fault that Dad is like this."

Tae stopped again. "Ha, it sounds like you, Kookie."

"Shut up, Tae."

Tae grinned but the more he read, the faster his smile slipped off his face.

"But even worse than that, sometimes I just...I wish they'd just find Jimin's body already. We all know he's dead, except for Dad. Everybody knows it, even the kids at school. But every day that goes by without the police finding his body is another day that has Dad strangled in false hope that his one little sheep will come magically skipping home. If they'd just find the damn body, we could all get out of this Purgatory and get on with our lives. We haven't been able to grieve properly or hold a funeral or any of that. We're all stuck in this horrible endless period of waiting. Waiting for what? Some psychopath took Jimin and murdered him because that's what sick people do. Jimin's body is probably rotting in the woods somewhere or in a river, weighted down by rocks, and meanwhile we're all stuck up here going about our lives and pretending like Tomorrow, tomorrow is the day that Jimin will come back. And then when tomorrow gets here, we think it'll be the next tomorrow, and on and on and on. When is it going to end?

I wish this would just end."

[Yoongi's Diary, Entry #1]

They all sat in silence before Kookie reached over Tae's arm and shut the diary.

"I think that's enough," he said quietly, and Tae didn't respond, just sat there with the book in his hands. Jin hopped off the bed, took the book, and replaced it under the bed.

"We never opened it," he said, and Kookie nodded his head, Tae nodding more slowly. "Okay? We don't even know it exists."

Jin swallowed before leaving the room, and Kookie peered at Tae.

"Tae? Are you okay?"

Tae looked at Kookie, his face blank. "Kookie...That's just the first entry. That isn't even a recent memory. How bad do you think the rest of it is?"

They both hesitated before looking back toward the bed where the book lay.

Then Kookie stood up, pulling Tae up as well, and they left the room. It was too difficult to stay in there now and not think of the book.

They'd eaten the apple from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and the knowledge was too heavy to bear.

i think i'm going to make a small spin-off book for yoongi's diary as well for those of you who want to read the full diary. i will publish it soon hopefully and i'll let you know so you can add it to your libraries :)