Adore [H.S.]

20

Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie

ISABELLA

Four months. It's been four months since Chase and I became a couple.

It's been two months since Harry and I set up our boundaries in our friendship.

It's been one month since Chase said he loved me.

It was our three month anniversary. We were watching movies in his apartment, eating too much junk food. I was going in for the popcorn when his fingers brushed mine. His bright blue eyes looked over at me. They were shining with sweet adoration for me. He leaned in to kiss me, my lips responding automatically.

"Bella," He said, changing my nickname from Ella to Bella after he realized that name suited me better. I thought his excitement was too cute to correct him and say that I preferred Izzy. "I have to say something."

I looked at him with curious eyes. We had been getting serious over the past few months, spending more time together. Our conversations weren't as challenging as my conversations with Harry were, but they were nice. He made me laugh and we liked the same movies. I gave him a small smile, hoping to encourage him to go on.

"I love you." My heart stopped. That couldn't be right. He loved me? We had only been together for three months. Love was a strong emotion. It was a choice that you made and a feeling that you felt. I knew that I loved Chase as a person. I cared about him too much not too. But was I in love with him? I knew that I was far from feeling that way. So I said the one thing that came to mind; the one thing that nobody wanted to hear after they said the most vulnerable sentence imaginable.

"Thank you." I cringed once the words slipped out. Chase looked at me, his face stoic. He huffed, letting out a long sigh.

"Right," he sat up straighter on the couch, moving his arm away from sitting behind me. Automatically, I felt like a bitch.

"I'm sorry. I- I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine." His eyes don't meet mine. They stay concentrated on the television, the movie long forgotten as my mind races to think of what to say next.

"It's just that, I-"

"Don't worry about it." He cuts me off.

"No. You love me. I am so honored that you would choose to love me. But, I just - I don't know if I love you. I can't say it back if I don't know." I plead, my hands grabbing his.

"It's fine Izzy." My heart breaks. He never called me Izzy. I knew right then that I had hurt him. Damn it.

"No, you're mad."

"I'm not mad." He looks at me, his eyes saying something totally different.

"Yes, you are."

"Let's just forget it okay? I don't want to pressure you into loving me back or saying it if you don't feel the same way. I wanted you to know how I felt and that's that. It's fine Bella." His smile doesn't reach his eyes, but he tries his best. I know that he's hurt by my rejection and I wish I could feel the same way. But I can't. I don't, and I wish that everything could be different.

It was now November. Two months after Chase said those three simple words with too big of a meaning. I have yet to say them back. I've thought about it every day since. My mind and heart debating whether or not I could return those feelings and I didn't. There was something inside of me that was shouting out that I didn't love Chase and that I couldn't ever. My sassy subconscious quirked her eyebrows up at me, placing her hands on her hips. It's because he's not the one for you and you know that. I shushed her not wanting to start up that internal argument again.