30 Days with Fina

Day 13

30 Days with Fina by JellOfAllTrades
Chapter 13

There are times when I find myself unable to think clearly, like some kind of problem is stuck in my head or some song is endlessly repeating in my mind. This is one of those days.

The reason? I kissed a girl.

Well, it's not my first time. I've kissed dozens of girls in Manila, even a few guys because of some childish dares. But heck, never before have I felt so weird about kissing someone. Not even my first time to kiss someone was this much of a problem for me.

The first time I kissed was when I was thirteen and this girl was unbelievably flirty with me. It was just after the Christmas party and instead of going to the mall with her friends like everybody used to do after such parties, she asked me to accompany her to the playground at the back of the elementary department building. And just because I had a terrible crush on her, I couldn't say no. 

I was 12 when I first realized I haven't had any crush on any guy and it was then that I thought that I'm different. I had my moments of confusion about my sexuality. But I always ended up accepting the truth almost immediately because I knew for myself that I've been showing signs of being different ever since I'm a kid.

And maybe one of my girl cousins getting married to another girl triggered this queerness from getting out of the closet. Maybe I wanted to be like her too. To do the things I wanted to do and be who I really am. A girl who likes girls.

Anyways, back to my first kiss. The girl, whom I have a terrible crush asked me if I kissed someone else yet. And me being honest, said no. She asked me if I wanted to try it with her. Since I was curious about what was all the fuss about kisses, I said yes and we kissed.

So, to sum it all up, my first kiss, despite being from my former crush was awkward, sloppy, and well awkward. Especially since about 2 weeks after we kissed, the girl got herself a boyfriend, leaving me somewhat hanging.

Sure, my first kiss was because someone wanted to practice kissing on me but hey, I still enjoyed it. And I thought, maybe if I become a good kisser I can get myself a girlfriend.

The next girl I kissed was for practice. She was the daughter of our house helper and she was incredibly gullible. I remember that she believed everything I told her and she never complained about the kisses or anything. I like to think that my practice with her made me confident about kissing other girls because I never thought again if I was too sloppy or too eager or whatever.

"Shit," I muttered, skipping a step away because I almost stepped on dog poop on the side of the road.

Shaking my head, I tried to wake myself from overthinking again. I couldn't risk daydreaming while on the road, I could get myself run over and killed. So I silently made my way to the seaside playground, still unsure why I'm going there. 

Do I want to see Fina? To what? So that I can talk to her about the kiss? That would be absurd. I'm Jellane Ramos. I had dozens of girlfriends in Manila. I can juggle three girls without them knowing I'm cheating on them. Why would I even be bothered by kissing one girl? And a probinsyana for god's sake!

If I really want to talk to Fina this badly, I should have talked to her yesterday. If only the plans for the school didn't take the whole day I could have looked for her.

Damnation. Why am I even bothered in the first place?

I've kissed and fucked dozens of girls in Manila. It's like my weekly (sometimes even daily) routine. Does the fact that Fina is an entirely new thing to me make any difference to that? No, I don't think so.