The Boy in the Gray Hoodie

27...

27…

He fell asleep on my shoulder.

            I’d thought that it wasn’t possible for him to be more adorable. But then he fell asleep.

            On my shoulder.

            While I read to him.

            When I touched his hair, a small smile lifted the corners of his mouth. I nearly died.

            I couldn’t remember a time when I liked someone as much as I liked Roy. I’d never met anyone like him—nor did I think I ever would again. Roy was one of a kind. He was special. And he was asleep on my shoulder.

            Setting the book aside, I slowly scooted a few inches backward until I could lean comfortably against the wall. Roy stirred slightly, and then put his head on my lap. His warm cheek fell against the bare skin of my leg and I couldn’t hold back my smile.

            Biting my lip, I tentatively placed my arm around him. Barely awake, he automatically pressed closer and took my hand.

            “What are you doing, Lisa?” I whispered, letting my head thump against the wall. This was so stupid. So wrong.

            But I was the queen of mistakes.

            I’d made the mistake of believing in my family. I’d made the mistake of trusting my father, and all the lies he’d told about Roy. I’d made the mistake of thinking that Roy was normal. And I’d made the mistake of learning to care about him, when I was the last person in the world that could be good enough. He deserved so much better than me.

            But Roy was sleeping on my lap. He was holding my hand.

            And that couldn’t be a mistake. It just couldn’t.

            Because I trusted Roy completely. He had chosen me, and I would respect his choice. Maybe he or I would regret it later. Maybe someone else would come along, someone better than me—someone more deserving of the special person whose fingers were tangled in mine at the moment. But, until then, I wouldn’t push him away anymore.

            I’d let him care about me until he realized how imperfect I was. Once he got away from my father, once he was free, he’d understand why we could never be more than friends.  

            He’d understand how someone like me could never compare to someone like him. We were both lost, confused and alone. Neither of us could trust the people we thought would always take care of us. But there were differences too. Roy was special. And I was just…

            Lisa.

            And there was so much more than me out there for Roy to know. I was his way out. I was how he could leave behind the pain of his past and move forward, whether he realized that yet or not. But someone else would show him that some people are good. Someone else would show him love.

            Something warm rolled down my face. I reached up and wiped it away, realizing for the first time that I was crying.

            It wasn’t that I didn’t love Roy. I had cared about him almost since the moment I saw him. But my love was tainted by a lack of experience. I hadn’t felt love since I was old enough to realize that smiles aren’t hugs, hugs aren’t words, and words don’t mean anything when they aren’t true.