Harry Potter Imagines

Missing You (Sirius Black)

the recent one shots have had undertones of angst... this one is all out angst

loosely based off the song bruises by lewis capaldi. it's a beautiful song, I would recommend

~

Counting days, counting days
Since my love up and got lost on me

Sirius Black didn't get many things in this world. He didn't get parents who cared for him, he didn't get much to look for in the future, and he didn't get the honor and love from his family that he deserved.

There was only a few things that he stored close to his heart. He had the marauders, he had Hogwarts, and he had Y/N.

Or, rather, he used to have her.

And every breath that I've been taken
Since you left feels like a waste on me

She was his light. The stars that lit up the constellation that represented himself. Sirius balled up his fists in anger. That light had been snuffed out from under him.

You should've been there, he tells himself again. She could still be here.

I've been holding on to hope
That you'll come back when you can find some peace

She's not dead, his heart starts to convince him as it overrides all logic in feigned attempts to cover up the aching in his chest.

The Gryffindor starts to pace, standing right outside the iron gate, suddenly feeling very young again.

'Cause every word that I've heard spoken
Since you left feels like an hollow street

As his shoes hit the pavement over and over again when he walks back and forth, he can feel his nails dig into his palm. It's not as if he has much nail left. Since she'd left, he picked up the childish habit of biting his nails. Now, his nails were reduced to bloody stubs.

Remus tried to get Padfoot to cheer up by bringing back butterbeer from the Three Broomsticks to 12 Grimmauld Place a few days ago, but it only depressed him deeper.

I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind

They'd met in first year, but it wasn't until third year when they began to become close. He was an obnoxious prat, and she had started out as the perfect distraction from reality he really needed.

From late night talks curled up in front of the Gryffindor fireplace to being the true mastermind behind most of the marauders' especially infamous pranks. Swiftly, all his free time began to occupy Y/N in them.

She was there when the night felt especially lonely, she was there for him when he got kicked out of his home, she was always there for him, and eventually instead of being there for him as a friend, she began to stick next to him as a bit more than that.

She loved him with all her heart, and Y/N never hesitated to tell him so.

Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side

But now nightfall feels empty, the sky feels bare, and the bed feels cold.

He wishes that he would've said 'I love you' more.

He wishes for more time.

There must be something in the water
'Cause everyday it's getting colder

The wind cries out for some lost cause, and Sirius adjusts his jacket, pulling it closer around him. Before he can stop himself, he begin to thinks that if Y/N was here, he wouldn't delay to give her his jacket, because he knows that she would've refrained from bringing hers, claiming it wouldn't be that cold outside.

Somehow, those thoughts make him even colder.

And if only I could hold you

A long strand of raven black hair fell into his face. Slowly, he brushed it behind his ear. He closed his eyes and if he concentrated, he could almost imagine it was Y/N pushing it out of his face like she always used to do.

But she'd never be able to do it again.

He shoves his hand in his pocket to retrieve a simple little piece of metal. The stone embedded into it is simple, clear, and hopeful. Just like she had been.

Sirius' heart twists deep in his chest and suddenly he feels sick.

It's too late. He had been gone for twelve years. She had waited for him. She had waited for him until the end. She had been taken while he had been locked away. He never even got to say goodbye.

You'd keep my head from going under

Turning away from the cemetery, he walks away quickly. Today will not be the day he's going to say goodbye. That would mean she really is gone, and he doesn't think he can face that fact yet.

He turns the ring over in the palm of his hand, letting the diamond catch the sunlight. As he strides away, Padfoot doesn't even realize he's come upon a large fountain.

The engagement band becomes sweaty in the palm of his hand. He holds it over the water. Suddenly, hot tears start falling down his face.

If she can't have it, nobody else should.

And he drops it.

She's not dead. She's not dead. She's not dead. Crap.

He knows it's false, but he still dips his hand into the cold water and fishes it out.

The ring looks up at him brightly and mockingly. False hope is dangerous, but regardless he shoves the ring back into his pant pocket.

If she waited for him to come back home in the seemingly hopeless of times, he would wait for her to return back to him too.

She's not dead. She can't.

~

actually, speaking of music, what's your favorite sad/feels song at the moment?