Outside the Lines (lashton)

(39)

Ashton asks if it would be easier if he came in with me to my therapy appointment (seeing as my nutritionalist was all booked until next week), but I know I have to do this alone. I can't rely on him always being there.

I walk into the building my therapist is in and check in. A few minutes pass while I wait for her say I can come in. Those minutes make me nervous because I try to gather my thoughts on what I'm going to say. Believe it or not, it's really hard to admit to anyone that you're relapsing. Maybe it'll be easier to say it to a stranger like my therapist.

She appears in the doorway and I follow her back to her room. It's a fairly small room with a desk and a couch, with a fake plant in the corner and of course, a scale.

"So Luke, as you know, this is our second meeting. We've already gotten the get-to-know-me's out of the way. But anyways, I am wondering, why did you miss yesterday's appointment? A boy named Ashton called me to make this appointment today. And you're lucky I had a cancellation, usually I'm booked for the week," she says kindly, smiling sweetly.

"I'm so sorry for missing yesterday, and not calling to even cancel, I feel really bad." And I do mean that, the guilt has been eating at me. That time could have been used for someone else yesterday, someone who needed it more than me.

"But uh, I didn't mention this last time, but Ashton is my boy... uh, boyfriend," I say unsure of how she'll react. I watch her carefully, but she only smiles happily.

"How long have you two been together?" she asks.

"A little over a month," I let her know.

"It's good to have a support system like that," she says.

I sigh. "I've mostly been ignoring him this week," I confess.

"And why is that?"

Here we go, the dense part of the conversation. I start by explaining the incident after the movies, where I told my parents I had had a fair helping of popcorn at the theater when I hadn't. That's when this all started.

"Why didn't you tell the truth?" she asks me.

I shrug, saying, "I have no idea." Then I go on to explain how things were going downhill. It's actually easy to open up to her, I find myself telling her everything. Maybe it's because I don't know her.

But I tell her everything. From what I ate - down to the amount of calories - to my self destructive thoughts. She nods, letting me talk. When I finally finish, she asks me, "You mentioned you had a feeling of wanting to cut yourself. Is that still present?"

It takes me a second to think of an answer, but I say, "No, not at the moment."

"I have to ask these questions to gauge where you are mentally right now, just so you know. But have you felt suicidal since your relapse began?"

I huff, no longer feeling so comfortable telling a complete stranger all of my deepest thoughts, but keep going anyways.

"I mean, I've had thoughts like, 'Wow, things would be so much easier if I wasn't alive right now!' but I don't wish for death or anything. I still look forward to the future, I know there's a possibility I can live a non-food controlled life someday, and that's what I hold on to."

"That's a very good view to have Luke, always remember that," she tells me. I nod my head. "Did your other therapist help you to come up with coping mechanisms?"

"Oh... yeah, she did. I guess I forgot about those. I don't know, I got so wrapped up into food and my body again that I forgot about everything else," I say guiltily, knowing damn well this could have all been prevented with the right coping mechanism.

"It's okay Luke, relapses will happen for a different amount of reasons. Don't blame yourself on this though. From what I've gathered, it seems like the voice in your head has been really hard on you lately."

I sigh, "Yeah, sometimes it's really hard to fight it. It makes me want to give up sometimes."

"And what stops you from giving up?" she asks me.

"A lot of things like friends and family, but mostly the future. It's really hard living through this but I am excited for what the future holds for me, and especially the band."

"Then next time, when you start to feel yourself slipping, try to remind yourself of what the future holds for you, and how this disorder will only hold you back."

I shrug.

"Do you not believe that?" she says quizzically.

"I mean, logically I believe that my disorder will only ever hold me back from doing what I want and need to do in my life. But when I'm in as dark of a place as I am now, it's hard to see the logical side of things," I sigh again. "It's just, the not eating and obsessing over weight thing, it's a safety blanket for me. It's always there when I need it. And it always helps me."

"And how does it help you?" she asks, and I already know where this conversation is going. I had it a thousand times at the center.

"It doesn't actually help me, I know that. It damages my body and mind. But it makes me feel accomplished, like I'm worth something."

"Do you feel accomplished doing anything else?"

The question stumps me. The only thing I can think of is touring. I voice this to her, but explain that I can't tour all the time, it's not possible. So we spend the next half hour talking through things that I do that are actually accomplishments. And honestly, I think it will help me.

I say my goodbye to her and make my way out to the car that came with the Cali house. Ashton jumps when I open the door.

"Fuck, you scared me!" he giggles, holding a hand over his heart. I attempt to give a giggle, but it comes out as more of a huff, and plop into the passenger seat.

"I take that it didn't go well?" he asks.

"No, it went fine. Really well actually. I'm just tired. We talked over a lot of problems and how to solve them. Some of them really resonated with me, which is good. Hopefully it'll help me come out of this slump."

"That's really good, Luke," he smiles at me, and starts the car up. "Did you want to do anything before going home?"

I shake my head. "I wanna go home and sleep," I laugh harshly.

"You probably shouldn't do that, it's not good to lay in bed doing nothing."

"I know," I tell him, "can we maybe watch a movie and cuddle? And if I fall asleep, well, then that happens?" I try to give the biggest puppy dog eyes I can.

He takes one look into my eyes and I already know the answer. "Fine, fine. But it's only one in the afternoon so I'll be waking you up after an hour."

I put my head in my hands. "I'm so tired though."

"Baby, it's because you're laying in bed doing nothing all day. You have to get up and do things," Ashton tells me softly.

"No, it's because I can't fucking sleep again," I say, kicking the dashboard of the car angrily.

He stares at me, a confused look glazing his features, then says, "I didn't understand this before either, but when you started to restrict before, you were losing sleep. Then out of no where, you started sleeping excessively. Now you're back to not sleeping again?"

"It's because before, the lack of nutrients was giving me insomnia, but then my body started to shut down - or at least that's what the doctors told me - and that's why I was sleeping so often," I try to explain.

"I wish you could just eat normally," Ashton says quietly before panicking and saying, "shit, was that insensitive? I'm so sorry Luke."

"No, it's fine, seriously. I wish the same for myself," I say sighing.

A man can dream.

~

After the drive home, which is only ten minutes, we do as we talked about. We get a movie playing and cuddle up on the couch. At first it makes me uncomfortable, seeing as I'm laying my disgusting body on his beautiful one, but he puts his arm around me and I sink into the safety of his touch.

I'm forever grateful for this man coming into my life.