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18 → God Knows I Tried

Dear Jonathan,
It feels like worry. I don't know why but it does. You're worried about something but you don't know what exactly. You're worried but you know there's nothing to be worried about. You're worried about someone but you know they're fine, even if the person is standing right there in front of you, you're still worried.

It feels like fear. You're scared and you don't know why. There's nothing for you to be afraid of but you can't help it. You're scared and worried and you don't feel good. You feel like crying and so you tell yourself that everything is alright but your mind– your body tells you it's not.

So you're just there trying to figure out what's happening to you.

Worry and fear.

One minute you can be happily talking to someone, or having a great day, smiling and having fun, but then you feel it growing inside of you. It starts off small. Your heart rate accelerates the slightest but then it gets faster and faster. Your hands begin to shake and then it spreads to the rest of your body. Your heart is still going fast but you can feel it twist and shake.

Yes, shake.

(Well it might not shake. I don't even know if that's possible. I'll ask Isaura, she's a doctor. So is Stephen. I'll ask one of them)

Then comes the worst part, the worry, the fear and the hopelessness.

You feel hopeless. You can't do anything about it and that's what sucks. You can't stop it you can only wait until it passes but even then, you still feel it. And so that's when you cry. You cry because you're worried, afraid, and hopeless. You cry because maybe by doing so you'll feel better but you only feel worse. That's when everything kicks in and all you want to do is for everything to go away but it doesn't. It stays and boy do you feel like a pile of shit.

And remember the heart thing? Well not only does it feel like it's shaking but somehow you can feel it. You can feel your heart inside of you and it feels like the heaviest thing but also like the lightest thing. It's weird but that's how it feels. For me at least.

Sometimes my chest tightens other times it doesn't. But the fear and worry and hopelessness is always there.

So you take medication to try to make yourself feel better but no matter what you do, you don't feel better. Because the worry will always be there, the fear will always be there, the hopelessness will always be there and there's nothing you can fucking do.

But do you know what's truly the worst part, Jonathan? The worst part is that sometimes you slap on a smile and say that everything is alright, that you're alright but you're not. You're really not. Everything is not alright! Inside you're a fucking mess. A mess of emotions, a mess of a person, but how can you tell someone when they have absolutely no idea what it feels like?

And when it does happen to them, they can't believe it happened to them. They refuse to accept it. They want a medical answer. They want a real sickness, because how can they have an anxiety attack in the middle of the day while they were grocery shopping?

But it happens.

That's how it is.

Anxiety just creeps up without warning, and it can pass in minutes or hours. It's the worst feeling in the world. I envy the people who go through life without experiencing an anxiety attack.

Then there's those fuckers who think anxiety isn't a real thing. "Oh there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't eaten anything, that's why you're shaking" Bitch no!

And don't even get me started on those who think anxiety is cute!

Do you really think sweating, physical shaking, chest pains, second guessing yourself, overthinking things, is cute? It's not. It really isn't.

Then there are those that think that by talking to someone the anxiety will just magically go away. I want to punch those people in the face with a chair.

My favorite ones are the people that say "you just need to calm down" Yes, because by saying calm down, my anxiety will go away. It's the damn cure to anxiety! (If you can't notice, this is dripping with sarcasm)

And yes, Jonathan, I know there are things I can do to calm my anxiety, but sometimes it's so bad I can't do anything. My body refuses to cooperate with me so I lay in bed and get trapped in my head. The worst place you can be while having an anxiety attack is in your own head.

I know drinking can make it worse but sometimes I want to forget so that's what I do. I drink to forget. But I can't. I fucking can't because I've been cursed with this stupid eidetic memory and I remember everything. I remember my first day of preschool, my first day of kindergarten. I remember every person I've met in my 25 years of life. I remember all the embarrassing things, the sad ones, the happy ones, the ones filled with anxiety. I remember everything.

But then I get blackout drunk and I don't remember what happened the previous night. Sure I get flashes but it's all a jumbled mess.

Anxiety isn't cute. It's real and it's horrible. I wish people would stop treating anxiety like it's not a real thing because it is. It really really is. There's so much more to anxiety than feeling worried, I wish people understood this.

The Avengers know that I have anxiety and I don't know how to feel about it. Do they judge me because of it? Do they treat me different? But I mean, Tony also has anxiety. He tries not to show it but– we should form a club or something.

I was up the other night with Bucky. It was three in the morning so it was just the two of us in the kitchen, talking. Well he was talking, I was using my phone. But anyway, he told me that he's afraid of his dreams. He remembers everything he did as the Winter Soldier and how it haunts him in his dreams.

I told him about my dreams. The one where I'm drowning. I also told him about the one with the falling buildings. Bucky said that it's different because while mine are dreams, his are real. His did actually happen.

I wanted to make him feel better so I introduced him to Coldplay. I told him how their songs are magic and make people feel better. He looked much better when I saw him after our midnight chat. So I made him a playlist with all Coldplay songs and I made him a different playlist with other great songs that make me feel better.

That night was about making Bucky feel better. That's why I didn't tell him that the dream of me drowning isn't just a dream. I didn't tell him that I too relive the past in my sleep. Maybe I'll tell him one day but for now...now I'll wait for this anxiety attack to pass.

Don't tell me to calm down,
Dia Amoreena Castillo.
Anxiety sufferer.

•••

Super short chapter. Sorry about that.
A little insight of what Dia goes through.

I had an anxiety attack this morning and I felt the need to write this. I might've still been going through it as I wrote it so I'm sorry if it's crappy. And I actually think that writing this is making me feel better.

And to people who also have anxiety, you are not alone. We can be one anxious family.