Chapter 50

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#ABNQ50 Chapter 50

It still hasn't sunk in yet.

I felt... empty.

I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do.

It felt like one day, I knew where my life was headed. The person I was sure who'd be with me 'til the end... Hanggang wala na.

Suddenly, my life took a turn.

"Joey..." Agad akong napalingon nang makita ko si Kitty. "Tinawagan ako ni Jax. 'Di ka pa raw kasi kumakain."

Hindi ako maka-galaw. Naka-higa lang ako sa kama habang naka-tingin sa dingding. Bigla akong nawalan ng gana na gumalaw. Kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan kung bakit kailangang umabot sa ganito.

"Huy..." she said while poking me. "I'm actually really happy na tinawagan ako ni Jax, pero 'wag naman ganto."

Sana kasi hindi na lang siya ganon. Sana kahit konti, may tiwala siya sa 'kin. Kasi hindi naman 'yung tao na iniisip niya. I wouldn't betray him. I would've been loyal. Because I know how it feels to be betrayed.

"You still have to enroll, Jocelyn!" she said, pulling me up with her. "Come on! 'Wag ka namang ganito!"

"Wala akong gana," tahimik kong sabi.

"Doesn't matter. Life doesn't pause; world doesn't stop. Tuloy pa rin ang buhay," she said. Biglang sumeryoso ang mukha niya. "I don't know why you two broke up—"

"We didn't break up," I corrected her.

"Ano'ng tawag sa ginawa niyo?"

Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang doon kami napunta kami... kasi akala ko okay kami. Alam ko na may problema siya, pero alam ko na kaya naming malusutan 'yun. Pero paano mangyayari 'yun kung ayaw niya namang magpatulong? Ayaw niyang umalis 'dun. Na kahit ano'ng paliwanag ko, doon at doon pa rin kami bumabagsak.

I couldn't fix him.

Siya lang ang makakatulong sa sarili niya.

"We took a break. Cool off. Hindi ko alam," naguguluhan na sagot ko. Nanunuyo iyong lalamunan ko. Kagabi pa ako umiiyak. Umiiyak kasi natatakot ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong mangyayari ngayon. "Nakausap mo na ba siya?"

"Si Psalm?" she asked. I nodded. I couldn't even say his name because I was afraid that my voice would break. It still felt raw. It still sting. "Hindi. Hindi ko alam kung nasan. Hindi rin alam nila Steele."

Bigla akong napahawak sa dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko nagsisikip na naman siya.

"Hindi kaya nabibigla lang kayo sa desisyon niyo? I mean, I really thought na ano... kayo na talaga hanggang ending?" Kitty said with a sympathetic smile.

"We need this," I said. "We couldn't just go round and round. Parehong problema."

"And you think taking a break is the solution?"

I shook my head because truth be told, I didn't know what I was doing. Ang alam ko lang, hindi ko na kaya na pag-awayan pa namin si Marcus. Hindi ko na kaya na marinig na nagseselos siya kay Marcus. Napapagod ako. Nagsasawa ako. Nasasakal ako.

"I tried telling him. Over and over again. Na magkaibigan lang kami ni Marcus. Hindi niya ako maintindihan."

Kitty sighed. "I don't know with you, guys. Malaki na kayo. Alam niyo na ginagawa niyo..." she said, then gently patted the top of my head. "Pero you still need to enroll..."

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