Project: Socialize (Chapters 1-197)

53. Disappointment

I quietly exited the gym, allowing the two to have their moment. Once I was outside, I looked up at the orange sky that was transitioning into a violet, signalling the arrival of dusk, and started walking towards the front gate of the high school. I intentionally took my time, knowing that I wasn't in a rush and looked around the foreign campus. It would appear that the film crew has finished since I could see workers removing their gear from the campus and heading out of the school to call it a day.  

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I received the notification when I was by the front gate of the school, and I took out my phone to check it before slipping the device back into my pocket. I then stood there, eyeing the dusk sky as a gentle breeze blew by, rattling the nearby trees and moving my hair. I let out a sigh of fatigue and then turned around to face the school campus.

"You can come out now," I said out loud to the person that was following me.

From the shadows casted by the wall surrounding the campus was Emilia, who leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and smiling.

"You did a pretty good job," she smiled. "A bit too enthusiastic on your end for just a simple mission, don't you think?"

"I don't know," I replied, staring off into the distant sky.

"This is the most emotionally invested I've ever seen from you," she observed. "That calm demeanor, it's almost as if you're a totally different person. Alevian, is this the real you when you're serious?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I sighed as I stood there with both hands in my pants pockets. "I've always been myself. I don't understand how you can be a totally different person."

I didn't look over at Emilia, but I was certain she had an amused smile on her face as she observed me. I didn't know her motive behind all this. She just continues to remain so mysterious, so secretive that I cannot tell anything from observing her. However, she seemed to be able to see through a part of me, like she knows that this was the first time I've taken a mission seriously, although not a hundred percent serious. However, even then, I'm still myself. Me when I'm not trying is the exact same person as I am when I do try.

"Is it because she's similar to you?" Emilia then asked. "I see that you seemed to help her escape somewhat from that state."

"That?" I chuckled. "There's already enough gloomy people in my world. I don't need anymore."

"You're quite kind," she continued saying with an amused chuckle. "Yet you do not think of yourself as so. If you were to open yourself up more, you would be able to socialize perfectly, but why do you keep yourself locked away?"

"Because only those that truly cared will try and break the lock and discover me for who I am," I answered her. "No one has yet truly broken my lock."

"You should be giving hints as to how," Emilia then said. "If it's so difficult, then you should help them out."

"For me, it doesn't work like that. A true heart to heart requires true effort, not some ritualistic show that's not even them trying their best."

"Even then, Alevian," she smiled. "I still think one day you will open yourself up to people."

"I hope so too," I responded. "If that day isn't a fantasy, that is..."

As I finished, I stared off into the distant sky, disappointed at myself for my pessimistic attitude. However, I understood the reason why I was so reluctant to accept that notion: I'm afraid to be hurt. I don't want to foolishly open up myself to others, devoting all my emotion into relationships just to find out that it was only one-sided. A true heart to heart relies on both sides to open up their hearts, but the scary thing is that a heart might be closed up so easily. Relationships are just so fragile, that I'm afraid to establish them....