Varian X Reader ONESHOTS (Completed)

23: Left Brain, Right brain

There is gonna be no swearing in this unlike the actual song. This text is the weird voice.

Eugene sat on a stool as the audience laughs. "Okay umm." He speaks but gets interrupted by a voice."hello patient 23465! How are you feeling?" It asks. "Umm not great." Eugene replies. "Has the treatment been working?" "No!" Eugene replies straight. "What are your remaining symptoms?" Eugene breaths in and speaks into his microphone. "I internalise my feelings a lot, I have trouble articulating what I'm feeling to other people. I......" "So basically your still a female dog!" The voice asks. The audience laughs and Eugene rolls his eyes. "Yeah.. Very mature of you disembodied voice way up there!" "I was just joking dumb American!" The voice insults. "Alright your not as safe as you think you are in Wisconsin!" "I'm not human I can say whatever I want." "Just, just get to the point!" Eugene asks mad. "Your emotions and your logic are at war, your creativity and your analysis are at war, and most simply your left and right brain are at war. To fix this I must separate them from each other. Splitting your neurological functions in 5, 4" "okay well we just book an appointment not count down to major medical presidures." Eugene yells. "2, 1. This may hurt a bit. 0. " Soon (colour) and blue lights flash on stage and two teens run onto the stage while its pitch black. "Isolation complete." A blue light shines down on a boy with black hair (*ahem* Varian *ahem*) and he walks around, science goggles and all. "This is Eugene left brain. Objective, logical, cold, analytical. Aware of patterns aware of trends, he's efficient, and a butt!" (Trying to keep it reader friendly. Keep it PG kids). Happy music plays in the background as a (colour) light shines on girl who is walking around all happy. "This is Eugene's Right Brain. Subjective, creative, sensory, aware of feelings, aware of people. She's emotional, and an idiot." (___) looks annoyed. "That's your opinion, just careful with your opinions." (___) speaks. "Okay kids, play nice."

A blue light shines on Varian giving him a blue glow as he speaks. "I am the left Brian i am the left brain. I work hard till my inevitable death brain. You got a job to do you better do right, and the right way is with the left brains might!" Left- *ahem* Varian sings. Then (___) jumps in and pushes Varian away smiling. "I like Netflix and poptarts, Yes in that order and I'll cry for at least an hour after watching Your name, Taki!! I'm am the right brain," some voices shalla la in the background as (___) sings. "I have feelings, I'm a little all over the place, but I'm lustful, trustful, and I'm looking for somebody to love, and show my feelings with." Varian comes in the light and sings.

"Here comes a female here comes a female, puff your chest out take phone, and check your email. Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate, so gather data and see if she's a possible mate!" (___) once again butts into Varian's singing and her eyes light up. "Holy grape, I think she might be the one, there's something about her, I just can't describe it," Varian interrupts, "butt!" (___) continues on. "I am the earth she's the glorious sun, I just want her to trust me, I just want her, how do I say this eat candy, eat, eat candy!" She yells. "Alright now right Brain your being insane," Varian sings, "No left brain I'm just being alive, you should try it, you might like it," (___) runs around on stage making the audience laugh.

"I worked hard to give him everything he cares about, you were worried 'bout the things that he was scared about, I am calm and collected, while you act wild, I am the adult you are the child." Varian speaks deeper and (___) continues. "You think you're the right one every time, you think you know everything, but you don't know anything, at all. Half of his problems were supposed to be mine! But you want everything, I hope that you're happy, Cause he's sure not!" (___) points to Eugene who is sitting on a girls lap in the audience who has long blonde hair.

Varian takes out a calculator and speaks into the mic. "Well according to my calculations, I'm sorry let me run the numbers again, umm, your a butt!" (___) rolls her eyes. "Name calling really your just gonna do name calling!" "I'm not calling names I'm just stating facts and the fact is, your a butt." (___) flicks her hair back sassily. "I'm the butt, well at least I don't sleep with dolls still okay," "Anime Figurines are not dolls, they keep me happy," "Left brain sleeps with dolls, look at you, you baby!" (___) taunts. "Well at least I did my job right!" Varian yells, " I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this. Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling, how he's feeling! If he's feeling unhappy it's because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you. I know he does. He Graping hates you!"
(____) starts sobbing and varian starts to feel guilty.

"Right Brain, look, I'm sorry, okay?" "No, you're not." Varian sighs and tries one more thing. "Look, maybe there's something that we could do together." "Together?" "Take the best parts of both of us and put them together." "I'm listening." "It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyze, So you could man the themes, I'll man the form, It's something that George Carlin did, It's something that Steve Martin did. It's something special that we could both perform. Do you know what it is?" (___)s face lights up and she hugs Varian.

"Juggling, we could juggle, and juggle our cares away!" Varian pushes (____) off and rubs his temples. "Comedy... It was comedy, we could do comedy together." The lights start flashing and the voice turns back on. "Initiate reassembly." "All right, Right Brain, we're gonna do comedy together," Varian says quickly. "All right, Left Brain, I'll do comedy with you." (____) shouts into her mic. "Look, we can fix him like this, we can make him happy again. I promise, all right!" "5, 4, 3." "Left Brain... Left Brain, I love you!" (____) says quickly. "2." "I know." Varian says before the timer runs out. "1. Experimentation complete."