Minilan- Dysphoria is a Bitch Parts 1 & 2

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Includes Trans!Lachlan

I just did this cause I'm feeling dysphoric as hell and I have nothing better to do with my life and need to somehow rant about how I'm feeling without kinda outing myself. Woo! Dysphoria, you. are. a. bitch. Seriously. I identify as non-binary but my outward appearance is very feminine (there isn't much of a choice) as dysphoria is very common for me because I don't look like how I identify.

Lachlan's P.O.V.

I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Everything ached and I just wanted to remove my body and float away, like it didn't exist and I could pretend that my body wasn't my own.

I was lying on my bed, curled up into a fetal position with a pillow over my head and tears in my eyes. It was going to be a bad day, a really bad day.

As much as I wanted to keep my binder on I knew I couldn't as it hurt my chest too much and honestly, I couldn't be bothered to put it on, no matter how much it might help my dysphoria. After 4 and a half years on testosterone I still got really bad days and nothing seemed to help, at least nothing that I could do without dire consequences.

No one really knew. Simon and Vikk both knew, Vikk knew me before I started testosterone and Simon, being my boyfriend, had figured it out a long time ago when he saw my binder. But other than that, no one knew at all and I planned to keep it that way.

I flinched when the door opened, not expecting anyone to come in. I just wanted to be alone at that point and wasn't really up for any visitors.

"Lach-" I interrupted.

"No." I heard a sigh from Simon, who I knew it was.

"Lachlan I know you feel like crap but the other guys want to see you. Please?"

"Nuh-uh. I don't even want to see me." I heard a tiny oh.

"Oh god baby, I didn't know. I thought you were sick." I shook my head at first but then shrugged. I did feel a bit nauseous and didn't want to move. "Do you want to cuddle?"

I paused and then reached out my arms under my covers, not being able to see him. He crawled onto the bed and pulled me into his chest, kicking up the edge of the blanket so he could wiggle under it next to me, one hand on my back, rubbing soothing patterns up and down.

I groaned, burying my head under Simon's chin and tilting it back so I was looking up.

"Is it that bad Lachy?" Nodding, I closed my eyes. I knew that when I woke up I was still going to be dysphoric but I hoped to God that when I did, it was better than now.

Curling in on myself, I closed my eyes. I didn't want to be alive right then and I wanted to drift away, pretending that nothing mattered for now. I felt Simon move around me so I was pulled even closer, his nose in my hair on the top of my head and his hands encompassing my waist.

"Why does this always happen...???" I whined miserably, my hands curling into fists on Simon's t-shirt. He kissed the top of my forehead gently.

"I know you hate it, I know that we try to do everything about it that we can but it's going to happen and I don't think we're going to be able to stop it. There are things that can help, but God knows that'll take ages. You're still you, no matter how you view yourself."

I knew he was talking about top-surgery, which we had both mentioned in passing but nothing had ever been confirmed or denied. Legally my name was Lachlan, it was changed 5 and a bit years ago but my gender was still legally female; gender being a lot harder to change legally than your name. But we were getting there.

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