Nothing Wrong With Loving

Chapter 17: For her

Do I want you back?
after all that was said and done?
come back and ask
i'll laugh in your face.
i dare you,
come back
ask.
i gave you everything
emptied myself
filled you.
Ask me. Ask me. Ask me
it's very likely i'll say yes.

I don't know exactly what it was that I was expecting. I think a part of me thought that maybe my mother would be throwing my stuff away, setting my stuff on fire, dooming me to hell for my lesbianism ways. Maybe she'd flip out, she'd be out of her mind and hating me more than ever.

Nevertheless, when I got home I found her sitting in the dining room, a mug of probably tea in her hands, a bunch of papers in front of her. She didn't turn to look at me, she didn't act any different when I stood by the door, watching her carefully.

"Where's Dad?" I asked, clearing my throat.

"He's on his way home."

I nodded and looked down at my hands, at my keychains. I bit the corner of my mouth; the silence was so loud, it felt like my head was going to explode.

"Are you mad?" I asked her, I wanted to move but I was frozen, my feet were frozen. How does one even move?

'Is that him?" She asked, ignoring my question. I frowned. "That's him waiting out there, isn't it? Tobias."

I turned to look out, the window was opened, I could see Tobias all the way from where I stood, he was on his phone, a smile on his lips. "Yeah," I swallowed hard. "Do you want me to get him?"

She shook her head, "Cecily?" I could tell by the way she spoke that it was extremely hard for her to get the name out.

To say that I was shocked was to put it lightly. I needed to sit, so I did. My hands were trembling before me and she smiled at that. I wanted to be mad, to ask her what the hell she was smiling at.

"I—" I didn't know what to say. I stayed in silence and looked everywhere but at her.

"Speak up, Gianina."

"What do you want me to say?" I snapped, looking up to meet her eyes. "You want me to tell you that I'm in love with Cecily? Well, yes, I'm in love with Cecily. I've been in love with Cecily ever since I can remember and— I've been so scared of what that meant because you—" I took a deep breath and calmed myself, ready to give it another go. "I love you, Mum and I don't want to choose between you or me because— because a part me knows that I'll change anything to make you happy, to have a relationship with you and it shouldn't be like that. I can't change this and I can't be miserable for the rest of my life. I could do anything you ask of me but please don't ask me that because I won't do it anymore."

I ran out of words or perhaps courage, I ran out of something and I kept quiet. Tears ran down my face as I waited for her to do something, to say anything but she didn't. I knew she was crying but I couldn't dare look up at her or say another word. I heard her standing up, moving her papers and walking towards me. She stood next to me and I couldn't move.

She raised her hand slowly and I thought she was going to slap me, I really did think she was going to but to my surprise, she laid her hand on top of my head and she slowly caressed me. With her other hand, she placed something before me. The papers that were laid before her, the papers she brought with her. There was a book between the papers. A yellow book.

My heart was going to burst out of my chest.

"For someone who doesn't have much to say most of the time, Nina," She began, her voice breaking, "You sure do have a lot to write."