QUEER | tayley

you want forgiveness

Since the incident, it seems as though my teachers are being more careful with me than usual. They're constantly approaching me, asking me if I'm doing okay and if I understand everything we're learning.

I tell my therapist this, along with the many details of what led to all of it.

"I had to tell Hayley. I felt so guilty for lying to her, she deserved to know the truth. I didn't think she would react so negatively. To be honest, I assumed that the worst case scenario would be that Hayley would want to be nothing more than friends. I didn't think she would go around the school and tell everyone my secret. I wish I never met her."

"The people that are judging you are not worth your time. They're not worth stressing over and their opinions should not matter. How are you feeling towards Hayley?" my therapist asks.

"Betrayed," I reply. "It was stupid of me to trust her with that secret. I wish I could switch schools again."

"You can't keep running from your problems, they will always eventually catch up to you. I know it sucks to know that and it's also scary, but it's life. Anyway, tell me what happened specifically. The chain of events that brought you to this point, sitting in my office with a broken nose and bruised ribs."

"Hayley asked me to come over. The night before that, we were at the same party and she was being very flirtatious towards me. That's an understatement, actually, because we did do some stuff. However, that's not important," I explain. My therapist is nodding, but her brows are raised out of what I assume is curiosity.

"But, as I was saying, the day after the party, I was invited to her house. So I went. She brought me up to her room, which I was immediately confused by. I was surprised that her mom allowed boys to go up there, which was the reason for my confusion. Things were fine until she noticed that I seemed...off. For whatever reason, she assumed that that meant I wanted to fuck, so she started kissing me and unbuttoning my pants. That's when I stopped her." I pause, wanting to see if my therapist has any questions.

"Go on," she says.

I continue, "I went there with the intention of telling her. But as the night progressed, I decided that I couldn't do it. When she asked me why I stopped her, I told her we couldn't do it. When she asked me why, I began making up excuses for why we couldn't. I said that we couldn't because her mom was downstairs, which she countered by telling me that her mom had never caught her before, so why would she now? I didn't know what else to say, so I told her. She was not happy with this news, considering I lied to her. I, uh, also lied to her about something else. I told her that I was experienced when it came to sex, even though I'm the furthest thing from. So, when I told her this new information pertaining to my gender, I also admitted the truth about how I'm a virgin. I just wanted her to like me, but now I've ruined everything."

"Have you hurt yourself again?" my therapist asks. I sigh and nod my head.

She stares at me for a few seconds before asking, "Do you really wish that you never met Hayley?"

I blink back tears before shaking my head. "No. I rarely receive any attention, so when I did, I dunno, it just felt so good. Especially since that attention came from her. I just don't know if I'm gonna be able to forgive her."