the diary // jensoo

an empty hole wanting to be filled (10)

a/n:
since i'm really bored i decided to post another chapter. aish, i feel like i'm spoiling you guys too much. please just enjoy the chapter.

---

the moment i got inside my room, the urge to run back to jennie and tell her how i really felt came and went. in the end, instead of calling her or texting her an apology, i wrote on my diary -- like i always do.

november xx 2010.

jennie kim...

she leave me breathless. whenever i look at her eyes, i get confused. i suddenly feel like i'm staring into space -- her eyes are wide canvas of sparkling stars and you'll be forced to love them even if you don't want to. when god made her, he cussed for the first time, i bet he wanted to make someone perfect but overdid it.

i bet whenever atheists see her, they're faith resurrects. whenever she smiles, they drop on their knees and pray that their daughters would be perfect just like her.

jennie is that beautiful--

she's a beautiful catastrophe.

and i'm addicted to her. i'm desperate... i'm an empty hole, gluttonous in its attempt to be filled. i once read that love is supposed to be mutual, yet most of the time, love is a standalone affair--

wait.

love?

my heart beat starts to beat irregularly. a patter i'm not so familiar with. time slows down until it came to a complete stop.

i dropped my pen and closed my diary shut. i'm in love with jennie? i'm not. . .

i'm not because i shouldn't be. and what if i am?

a few seconds passed, my heart beat finally slows down; i have another reason. . . another reason to stay away from her from now on.

---

"jisoo, hold up!" i heard jennie say behind me. i walked faster, but she still managed to catch up with me.

i guess keeping my distance with her will be harder than expected.

normally, i would stop walking and ask her what she wants. not today though. i continued walking, forcing myself to not look at her. she followed me until i finally stopped in front of my locker.

"do you want to eat lunch with us?" she happily asked, i can hear the smile in her voice. and i dared not to look at her. i don't want my stomach exploding with butterflies anymore.

"pass," i said, voice uninterested and cold. "kenzo invited me to have lunch with him."

"ah, i see," jennie mumbled. disappointment clearly visible in the way she spoke. "how about tomorrow?"

i took a deep breath before shaking my head a no. "i appreciate you inviting me, but no thanks."

"oh. . ." was the last thing i heard jennie say before using every ounce of strength in me to walk away from her.

oh, this is heart-breaking.

when i felt like jennie is not in the vicinity anymore -- i stopped in my tracks before sighing in complete disappointment and frustration. i'm disappointed because maybe i wanted her to run after me, maybe i wanted her to force me to eat lunch with her -- after all, i never really wanted to stay away from jennie.

i need to.

wants and needs are two completely different things. and my wants and needs right now are two completely different things too.