Synonym

Chapter 26

Some people wake up from anesthesia slowly and gorgily. Others wake up from it like a deer in headlights.

I was the later.

My eyes shot open like they would if you were in a nightmare. I suppose I was. I gasped for air like I was trapped under water but quickly realized that I had an oxygen mask covering my face.

My theatrical production caught the attention of the raven haired nurse in her sixties. No thoughts ran through my mind except for processing what was currently happening. "Honey? Do you know where you are?" She asked with a sweet and gentle voice like I was a child. She lifted the oxygen mask off of my head gently and my eyes darted to my arm where there was an IV and then to my left arm where there was a bandage covering my inner elbow.

"The hospital?" I answered hesitantly, my eyes drifting to the warm blankets covering my body. "What happened?"

A look of sadness passed over the woman's face but she hid it. "The doctor will be in, in a minute. Do you want me to get your Fiancé?"

Fiancé? I guess either Finn or Jason is a good liar. "Sure." I said weakly. The nurse left to fetch who ever my 'fiancé' was leaving me with my own thoughts that rushed into my head all of the sudden. It was like someone had paused the television then played it back in slow motion. I felt like I just got hit by a truck.

My baby was dead and I knew it. The thought made my heart drop to the floor. I didn't know what to do with myself. If anything, I'm surprised I'm alive. There was so much blood. So much that it was probably looking like I was murdered in the supermarket.

What had I done wrong? I shouldn't have played lacrosse. I killed my baby.

I killed Finn's child.

Just when everything was going smoothly in my life, reality punches me in the face. I was starting to think God was my personal torturer. After all the shit I'd been through in the past year, I'd believe that.

It was a cruel fucking world.

I closed my eyes and let the tears collect behind my eyelids. Why was I so sad? A few weeks ago I was ready to voluntarily get an abortion. Instead, I let myself get attached to the idea of having a kid with Finn. I was such an idiot to think that everything would have worked out.

I must have been on some serious medication because I didn't feel any physical pain and some how I wasn't having a panic attack. Must be the good shit.

My eyes peeled open when I heard the door open. In walked Finn, looking like he was literally dragged here. His dirty blonde hair looked like he had ran his fingers through it a million too many times. Finn's eyes were slightly puffy and his forehead seemed to have a permanent worried look to it. He looked distraught. Absolutely crushed.

Fuck. I did that. I made him feel that way. I killed his baby.

Finn wordlessly pulled up a chair and sat by my bedside. His hand took my left one. I didn't look at him when when he leaned over and touched out intertwined hands to his forehead. I didn't look at him until I head him make a low sound that could be nothing else but a cry.

I'd never seen Finn this upset. The only other time I'd even seen him with watery eyes was when he and his mother got into an argument over Christmas break. Finn sat up straight again, wiping his under eyes with the thumb of his free left hand. His right remained in mine. "You scared me so damn much. I thought I was going to lose you." He whispered in a horse voice.

I didn't know how to respond to that but luckily I didn't have to because a skinny and tall, balding man walked into the room. His white coat made it evident that he was a doctor. Finn blinked his eyes back to normal before turning the chair so it was facing the doctor who now stood in front of my bed.