Black Water (Chris Brown Story)

Prologue

 

"Leaving the very spot I am 
Leaving behind myself 
Leaving behind my troubles 
Running away or leaving... 
There's no difference 
Escaping from life itself 
Though be it temporary it's enough 
For a break I'm in desperate need of 
A short break or long break 
Let me hide away from life itself 
Cruel and relentless 
No matter what I'll never truly escape 
Life will find me and retrieve me 
It'll pump me with fear, depression, and despair 
Life and reality will find me once again 
There's no way I can escape them 
As I hide in my fantasies 
Let me pretend to fly away, far, far away... 
Leave me with my fantasies 
I've escaped reality 
For now I'm free until reality retrieves me 
Please let me escape reality 
Fantasies please hide me away 
Imaginations please carry me away 
Reality is on its way to thwart my escape 
Once again I'm escaping reality 
Soon it'll find me then pump me with anger, sadness and angst 
Let me run and escape to my fantasies 
Allow me to escape reality 
Let me pretend to fly away to my fantasies." - Marcellus Watts

Darkness.

Pure and utter darkness. I don’t know anything else. It’s the only thing less consuming than the state of mind I am in. I don’t know how I managed to get involved in this, but I wanted out. I wanted my life back, whatever life that was before this.

The life I owned before this I was a queen living in a man’s world. Every man’s Aphrodite, and yet still an unbitten fruit. I was an apple that could not be shaken from the apple tree… That soon changed, and oh do I hate how it all ended. I should have planned better, made better decisions… I should have never trusted a soul, but I did and I found myself in hell playing with the devil and his minions.

They had drugged me, used me, and abused me… They made me less of a person. I’m not sure when my soul left my body, but I knew it no longer lived here anymore. When I wasn’t high and paralyzed I was a retard to the world. Not sure of what was real anymore and what wasn’t. I don’t know how much of my life was made up and how much actually happened, but I know this isn’t me. This wasn’t me.

I was not this cocaine that was smeared across my nose, I was not this bottle of absolute vodka, I was not these battle scars. I wasn’t even sure this blood that was leaking from my nose was even mine anymore as I lay in this bath tub sinking deeper. I wanted nothing more than to die, the tear stained eyes that stared into the dirty bathroom mirror were angered by there reflection. I sat up and through the half empty bottle of vodka that at the mirror watching it shatter along with the mirror. I screamed sitting up shaking at the cold air that swept over me, “That is not me!” I point at the shattered pieces that drop into the sink and onto the muddy tiled floor.

My head was spinning and sitting in this tub was no longer numbing the pain. I drunkenly climbed out the tub sway from left to right. I could hear the tv running in the other room and I thought he was here. I pushed the cracked door open letting it hit the back wall. There was no one sitting on the bed waiting for me. I screamed in frustration.

“Where are you!” I yell as I begin to tear the room apart. My mind was going a mile a minute and at the same time everything seemed to be slowly unraveling in front of me. I was looking for the devil and he had disappeared on me, again. He had went to either have sex with some other girl or take someones life from them just as he did me. “Where are you?!” I cried as the I felt the tears mix with the blood that was smeared across my face. I fell to the floor whimpering and shaking. My eyes were rolling back in my head slowly and I wasn’t sure if I was dying or coming alive again. It was hard to tell these days with my drug consumption going up almost every day. I dug my nails into the carpet feeling the moist and mush of it. I lifted my hands into the dim light of the television and saw that there was blood on my hands. I was bleeding heavily from between my legs. I wanted to cry, but I think I was already crying. I think I was already cry… I wasn’t sure anymore.

I crawled to the phone and dialed the only number I knew, the devil. “Where are you? Where are you?” I cried into the phone gripping it for dear life. I ran my bloody hand over my face feeling as though I was losing my mind. I could feel it slowly happening. He sighed agitated with my sad drugged out personality. He use to like it, he use to like it. My head screamed the words as my brains came and went fading in and out. My mind was slowly going and so was I. “The fuck I told you about calling me with that crying shit? Get the fuck off my line!” He spat. This only made me cry more, I wanted him to want me. To acknowledge me!

“I’m having another miscarriage, please! Please! Help me!” I scream into the phone. I dig my nails into my thigh at the unbearable pain. I wanted nothing more than to die right there. It’s like I was overdosing and losing a baby all over again. my heart was pounding fast and it felt constricted in my chest. He snorted, “I don’t give a fuck, it ain’t my seed you losing.”

He didn’t even stay on the line, he hung up immediately leaving me to hold the phone to my ear as if he were still there. “But it’s yours! It’s yours!” I say into the receiver ignoring the dial tone. I wanted him to love me! I wanted the devil to love me… I wanted someone to love me… I crawled into a ball bawling.

“Dear god, if you care anything about me… let this baby live. Let her live and pay for my sins… Let her know this world, but not her father. Don’t let her know the love I know. Don’t let her know the devil. Don’t let her know!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. My eyes fluttered open then closed. I don’t know what dying felt like, but I knew that this numb feeling… it was better than any drug. It was better than any amount of alcohol I could ever consume. This was a drug I could get use to… A drug I could take away from my child…