Nothing Wrong With Loving

Epilogue

Three years later.

My hands are sweating and my stomach hurts.

Ceci says I'm nervous. Jess says I shouldn't be nervous. Katie says I should take a shot for the nerves.

I would've taken Katie's advice if it wasn't for the small fact that I felt like I was going to throw up if I opened my mouth.

"Just breathe," Jess smiled reassuringly and caressed my shoulder. "It's a full house."

"That doesn't help like at all..." I closed my eyes and breathed hard. "Where's Ceci?"

Jess moved away from me and sat by the small desk. We were in a little room in the small bookshop in my hometown. Jess said I could choose where to have my first public read and for some reason, it seemed like a good idea to come back home and do it here.

"She's waiting with your mum and your dad," I could hear the squawky noise the chair made whenever Jess moved. "Kai's there and your bother too but he's like... really far from your mum."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"No you're not," Jess laughed, "You're just nervous but you got this, you've worked so hard on this I get why you're nervous but as your friend and agent, I'm telling you, you have nothing to be nervous about."

I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Where was all this anxiety coming from? I wasn't half this anxious when I asked Ceci to move in with me.

"Dude, I feel like I don't know how to read?" I chocked on my own words as I stared at the time, I needed to come out in a few minutes and my heart knew it, it was racing.

Jess laughed and got up to stand next to me. "Gianina," She did a dramatic pause in which she cupped my face and forced me to look at her. "Don't be a pussy."

I slowly nodded. "Got it, don't be a pussy, got it." I shook my body and tried to relax. "What if they boo me?"

Jess sighed hard and glared at me. "They're here because they bought your poetry book, they're here because they liked it enough to stand hours in the rain to get to hear you reading this," She grabbed hold of my poetry book, the cover was dark with only the shape of a girl. My name was written in small letters and in white and cursive the name of the book Yellow roses for you. "Those who are out there are waiting for you to sign their copy... so no, I don't think they'll boo you."

What Jess was saying... it made sense but a small part of me was scared shitless and ever since Jess proposed to get my poems published, I've had this small fear of people thinking it was childish or not good enough to be called poetry. "It's called sabotaging, Jess, lots of people do it."

"Stop." Jess sighed tiredly, I was getting on her nerves and I knew it. "We got this, alright, we got this."

"We got this." I nodded as I closed my eyes and tried to calm, this time for real. "I proposed."

"WHAT?" Jess shouted. When I opened my eyes, I could see shocked all over her face but soon it was replaced with joy. "When?"

"Yesterday, she said yes," I smiled at the memory, Cecily with teary eyes, nodding and saying yes, yes, yes, yes. Her soft hands cupping my face, the cold ring on her finger against my cheek.

"Fuck, man," Jess was quick to wrap her arms around me in a tight embrace. "I'm so happy for you guys, what the hell."

"Sometimes, I look back to how things were four, five years ago and I— it's crazy how things change, right? Had you asked me when I was 17 if I thought I'd ever be out and engaged to the love of my life? I would've laughed. When I was younger, Ceci and I, we had lots of plans but I never really believed it would become a reality. I always thought she would end up leaving and meeting someone else and I? I never saw a future for me. I never saw a life for me past 18."

"And that's exactly why you're going to go out there and you're going to read this," She grabbed my hand and lifted the book for us both to see again. "Because you're showing them, the girls and boys who don't see a life past whatever they're going through right now, that they can still build a life. There's always more and you're going to show them that you made it through, and they can too."

I take a deep breath in and hold it until my lungs hurt. I reach for the door's handle and I open the door. The murmurs and voices make my anxiety grow and my legs feel weak but I take another step and then another and another until I'm at the place they set up for me. The table is filled with books, my books and there are about 50 people waiting for me.

I'm not familiar with their faces but I look and smile at all of them and they smile back with excitement flooding out of their eyes. I look through the crowd and find my mother's green eyes, there's pride in them and that's something I don't think I've ever seen before. I swallow hard as I look around the room, Lilly's here and she gives me a thumbs up with a huge smile on her face. Next to her, Cecily stands and when I see her, my breath catches.

I love you. She mouths and my heart skips a beat, my knees go weaker and I almost forget how to use my hands as I grab one of my books.

God, I love her. I love her so much that my heart could explode.

"Hello," I speak into the microphone a little too close and it makes an ugly noise. "Well, shit— I mean, sorry, I'm not supposed to say that but as you can probably tell... I'm a little nervous." The crowd laughs and I feel a little relief. "Okay, well... let's do some reading, then."

The End.