Outside the Lines (lashton)

(45) +0 -365

Day one is over. On to day two.

Breakfast starts the same as the last two meals, back on the bicycle. Honestly, it's tiring and it makes my chest hurt a little, but it's okay because that means progress is being made.

After breakfast we have a group about our fears in recovery. The point of it all was to say you shouldn't let your fears control you and it kind of messed with my head, because yes I want to lose weight, but why exactly? Because I want to be thin, or because I'm scared of not being thin?

I'm not able to answer the question so I shove it to the side for now.

Lunch comes and, you guessed it, back on the bike. I spend all my free time on the bike. It helps to calm me down. I always feel on edge here, like if I say or do the wrong thing, I'll be stuck here forever. The exercise helps to keep me sane.

Then, during afternoon group, I'm pulled out for my family group therapy session. When I walk into Zack's office, all three boys are already there.

"I didn't know everyone was here already. Sorry for making you guys wait," I say guiltily, but they assure me it's fine, saying they only got there a minute before me.

I don't know what I was expecting when I heard family group therapy, but this isn't what I was thinking at all.

It's basically a normal therapy session, Zack asking questions and me answering them, with the boys interjecting here and there.

"What made you decide to go back to your disordered thoughts?"

The question makes me angry, because they might think it's disordered, but they're just my thoughts. They're me.

"To be quite honest, that pisses me off," I let them know, explaining my exact thoughts on the question.

"You really think these are your actual thoughts? Think back to four years ago. Were you thinking like this back then?" And, yikes, Michael makes a good point.

"I mean, no, but-"

"Exactly. Everything was fine up until, what, two years ago you said? You told us it was your depression that changed everything. It was your depression before, and it's your depression now that's making your eating disorder so prominent."

Fuck, Michael is really smart.

"You say you want to be thin, but why? Why do you have to be, Luke?" Calum says. Ashton is sitting back and watching, he hasn't spoken during the session yet.

"I don't... I don't know. I just have to be. It makes me feel not worthless, it makes me feel purposeful."

"Mate, you're worth so much. You mean the world to us," Calum says, nearly crying his words.

"But not to me, I don't mean shit to me," I say quietly.

"Maybe that's something to work on then, working on your self esteem. It seems to be a big road block here," Zack says.

"I agree," Ashton says, finally speaking up.

"Do you have something to add, Ashton?" Zack asks him.

"Not really, just the fact that he doesn't love himself at all. He needs to learn self acceptance. He needs to accept himself for who he is, and be okay with that. Because, Luke, none of us are perfect," says the man who is too perfect for words, I think to myself, "but that doesn't mean we have to warp ourselves into something we want to be. It's okay to just be you," he finishes off.

"But I'm nothing special," I say, looking down.

"But you are! You're one of a kind! You're Luke, the man who loves penguins. The man who knows how to shred it on guitar and vocals. The man with a hilarious sense of humor. You're the man we all love. We love you for who you are, not what you want to be or what you try to achieve to be."