Evolution, a Spencer Reid/Criminal Minds Fanfic

Chapter 54. A Different Shade of Alpha

After Hotch’s memory had been recovered, Reid sat beside him. In the wake of such an intimate journey, he wanted to be sure there were no ill aftereffects. As much as he wanted to race out to the lobby and start arrest procedures against Dr. Bescardi, he felt it was important to stay by his friend for at least a little while.

Hotch was pale and quiet. Reid wished he could find the dry wit and playfulness he now knew his leader kept hidden, and pull it out for everyone to see. He was sure Hotch would be happier if he let himself exhibit more of his true qualities. And he had no idea why he’d hide something so pleasant and enjoyable. Reid also knew he could find out why by accessing Hotch’s mind. It gave him a feeling of accomplishment to realize he was beginning to understand how to block himself from outside thoughts and emotions. It meant he could protect his own mind from the cacophony of random noise, as well as grant others their right to privacy.

I’m evolving. He watched Hotch’s downcast eyes. But at what price?

Reid knew better than to ask Hotch how he was. He’d just say ‘okay’ no matter what. He didn’t want to push either. So he chose a question that went just a tiny bit deeper than the standard ‘how are you?’

“Hotch, what are you thinking?”

One side of the man’s mouth quirked upward in a half-salute to irony. “Can’t you tell?”

Reid shrugged. “I guess. But I’m starting to learn how to keep to myself a little better. I won’t get into your mind unless you want me too.”

Something sad in the young doctor’s voice made Hotch look up. He studied the concerned, brown eyes, using his profiler’s ability to read another’s inner landscape. “I bet you’ve been keeping to yourself almost all your life, haven’t you.” It wasn’t a question. It was sympathetic acknowledgement.

Reid nodded. “I always had to hide stuff or people would use it against me.”

“Like…?”

“Like being smarter than everyone else. Like having an eidetic memory. Like being weird.” He looked down at his hands, clasping and unclasping, telegraphing his discomfort. “Like having a dad who left and a mom who was crazy. Certifiably crazy.”

“But you loved her anyway. And you stayed to take care of her. You’re still taking care of her.” Reid nodded again, but didn’t look up. “You’re very loyal, Reid.”

After a few beats of silence, Hotch decided if he couldn’t talk to this strange genius who had turned concealment into a lifestyle, who had seen what his leader kept hidden from the rest of the team and the rest of the world, then he’d never be able to talk to anyone about it.

“I was scared, Reid. You could have left, but you didn’t. You did that…thing…I don’t know what it was…and you stayed with me.”

That made Reid look up. “When you said you get frightened a lot, I couldn’t leave you. It just made me realize how brave you really are. You face down fear for us…for the team. Right?”

Hotch let himself lay back and rest against the mounded pillows. “That’s different. That’s enemies and unsubs and mostly it’s the possibility of losing one of you that scares me. This was different.”

“How?”

“There was no escape. None. No escape and no end. I was trapped in my own mind and there was no way out. And yet, even if it was my own mind, I felt alien. Like an intruder.” He brought both hands up to his face and rubbed his temples. “The thought of being trapped like that forever was the most frightening thing I’ve ever felt. No one can save you.” Hotch froze. When he lowered his hands and locked eyes with Reid, the look of tragic realization was unmistakable.