just a dream (camren)

thirty three

April 26th, 2017

Lauren doesn't know what's going on.

Her head hurts, because she knows she's not one hundred percent herself, even though she remembers auditioning for the X Factor, she remembers all of that life, and she knows she's lived it. But she remembers growing up here, she remembers meeting Normani in first grade, she remembers going through everything she went through with Camila with Lucy. It's like she's herself, but she has all of this new insight that she shouldn't have because of the way the other version of her had developed.

But most of all, Lauren remembers forgetting. Everything had slowly slipped away and she felt like she was constantly questioning her own sanity, not knowing what was real and what was fake, and she'd felt so alone, wishing that one of the girls were here with her.

And now, she thinks one of them might be.

She knows that Camila was here, at least at one point. With all the drunken rambling she remembers from New Year's Eve, it'd be impossible for her to be this Camila. And, you know, she's actually saying more than two words to her.

But there's no way to figure out for definite, without telling Camila what she knows, and that would ruin everything. She knows Camila wants nothing to do with her.

A part of her was completely disgusted to remember that she was the girl Camila had been so hurt by. A part of her had already known, but she hadn't realised the full extent of the pain she'd caused. She didn't know she'd ever meant so much to Camila. She knew that Camila had had feelings for her at one point, but she didn't know they ran that deep.

It makes her hate herself for being a coward more than she already did.

She didn't know that her own feelings ran this deep, either. She knew she'd felt something for Camila at one point, but she'd never realised how strong those feelings actually were until she'd remembered everything. And she'd thought those feelings had gone away.

Turns out she was wrong about that.

"Are you okay?"

Lauren blinks in surprise; she hadn't realised she'd looked so contemplative and upset. "Yeah? Of course I am."

"Are you sure?" Camila asks, coming to sit down next to her and rest her head on Lauren's shoulder, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. "You looked all upset and weird."

Lauren tries to laugh it off. "Yeah, sorry, just thinking about all of the projects I've got to finish. It's the last minute rush before exam season, so..."

Even though it's trivial, it's part of the reason she's not sure if she's really herself. She has all of this worry about things like that, about exams and about going away to college soon, but she knows she shouldn't worry about it, because those aren't her worries.

Or maybe they are. Maybe she's not entirely herself. Maybe she's this version of her, too. Maybe being stuck behind her own eyes for months, not even realising that she was trapped somewhere, had influenced her. Maybe a part of this other Lauren's soul had stuck with her. Or maybe she'd always had this other person inside her all along, and it's the circumstances that made them different. She doesn't know. She really doesn't know anything.

"Well, my baby doesn't have to worry about that," Camila smiles, and Lauren's stomach turns, because she knows if Camila knew, she wouldn't be calling her that. "This little smarty pants has a scholarship to an Ivy League school."

Lauren looks over at Camila with a small smile. "I still have to do well, though."

"Yeah, but still," Camila smiles, threading her fingers through Lauren's and giving her another kiss on the cheek. "You're going to kill it. I already know that. Because you're my smart babygirl."