The Painting

#87 My Clarity - Mo Soileireacht

Half way home and a box of tissues later my eyes dried and I drifted into sleep having exhausted myself from the sudden outburst of emotion. Lyle was right. Before today I never truly felt I had anyone to mourn, before today I always felt that I was at arms length from my mother. But today, as I threw her ashes to the breeze she was with me and that is what my body reacted so emotionally to.

"May," Lyle tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "We are here."

I opened my eyes slowly, half expecting this all to be a dream. But as I turned my head to meet Lyle's freckled gaze I was reminded that my time with her was better than any dream.

Gathering up the tissues I stuffed them back into the box and exited the car. I began making my way toward the cabin but Lyle caught me.

"Let's go in and see Grace." She tilted her head toward the B&B.

"We can see her tomorrow I want to lay down."

"Let's at least make some pancakes before we go." Her eyebrows arched as she played on my weakness.

I ran my fingers through my hair and rolled my eyes playfully. "I guess."

With my admission she pulled me to her and kissed me. "I love you, you know that."

I nodded. "I do."

As we neared the front door I could hear distinct chatter from the other side. Had a large party of guests just checked in? It was a little late but I supposed maybe they could have gotten lost or side tracked by a gallery in town.

The front door swung open and we were greeted by what had come to be our family. Surprisingly no one spoke - not even Grace. She and Tony stood silently in front of the kitchen entrance beside the girls, Frankie, Beth and Ivy.

I gave them a confused smile. Had they been waiting for us? I looked to Lyle who placed her hand at my back and led me further into the room. Our friends parted and she stared straight ahead. I followed her gaze. There in the center of the wall just a few feet below the stair railing hung Mo Soileireacht.

"What-" I began but the words were pulled from my lungs as I made my way to the painting that represented so much to me. When I came within a few inches something else caught my eye.

A plaque below it read: "My Clarity."

I held my hand steady as I traced over the words.

Lyle appeared at my side. "There's more." She waved her hand around us.

I looked up from Mo Soileireacht and glanced around the foyer. In the corner leading to rooms #1 and # 2 hung two paintings of autumn trees.

"They're all over the house sweetie." Grace chirped. Unable to wait anymore she rushed over to wrap me in a tight hug. Her embrace created a chain reaction and soon everyone surrounded me in a clump of people holding each other together.

Although I thought there was no water left in me to spare a tear they continued to roll down my cheek as the nine of us took a tour through the B&B. We visited each individual painting as if we were in our own private gallery. Each work was a new experience, as if I were seeing them for the first time through the eyes of my friends.

Grace fancied a spring landscape of a winding trail that cut through thick blooming brush. She said it reminded her of where she and Tony had first met after he got lost on a hike and wandered across her path. Frankie took a liking to an evening painting of the city scape were he recognized a multiple story business in the foreground. Excitedly he launched into a story about a job he'd done there in which he coded from their rooftop garden between two bee hives.

"Dinner?" Grace took my hand and held it between hers. In her eyes there was an extra essence of softness as she ran pressed my hand reassuringly. "We are making your favorite." She added a knowing wink.

"Brought the appetizers!" Frankie added with a gleam his arms piled high with bags of Cheetos and a twelve pack of pudding cups. I couldn't help but laugh as he rushed into the kitchen presumably to start eating.

"I'll be there in a second I just need to get something." I returned her smile as she and the rest of the party left me for the kitchen.

I paused in front of Mo Soileireacht, so unsupposing that I would have never imagined it's perfectly laid brushstrokes would be the one to jump start my journey - only to land me back here - staring with awe at its simplistic beauty.

My Clarity.

My mother had never been my clarity. The veil that surrounded her seemed to extend to me, leaving me wandering the streets in a haze. When I looked in the mirror it was difficult to see myself as a separate being apart from the confusion and mystery.

But now...

My hand rose to my locket as I turned on my heel. Purposefully I strode to my cabin, the door was unlocked and I marched straight through not stopping until I reached the closet. Pulling out a nail and hammer I eyeballed a spot on the wall between the kitchen entrance and the latter to the loft.

"May?" Lyle called over the racket I was creating with the tool. "We've got dinner set up-" Lyle paused as she walked through the open door just in time to see me hang a final piece of artwork.

Setting the hammer down I strode backwards two paces until I was shoulder to shoulder with Lyle. Neither of us spoke as we wrapped our arms around the others waist.

My own portrait, still unfinished hung side by side with my mother's.

Leading up to her funeral I woke every morning to paint, some days it was for hours and some only five minutes. Odd parts of my face were fully colored and shaded creating a sort of patch work on my skin. The apples of my cheeks were bare as were my forehead and the dimple in my chin. Some sections I painted over to redo two or three times. The strands of hair that fell around my ears and neck constantly shifted and the light in my eyes changed position at least twice. But never the less I was recognizable. I knew myself the moment the first blot of paint met with the canvas. I knew things that I had already felt in my gut yet didn't have the vocabulary to express.

There was a serenity in me, like a pond in the middle of a clearing that I waded into slowly. No longer was I lost and desperate to see the end of it.

And as I leaned into Lyle and she kissed the top of my head I knew. I had found my clarity. 

- 

The End

I hope you all enjoyed this work! This book was a long time in the making and the first cohesive piece I'd ever written. Hope you check out my more recent writes on my page! xo