Project: Socialize (Chapters 1-197)

149. Embrace

"I won."

Luna smiled in a somewhat cheeky manner as she gazed into my eyes playfully. It appeared as if she was invigorated from this victory and all the frustration that had incurred within her from the past two rounds finally found a valve for release. She stared directly into my eyes and into my soul, almost as if she was scheming up a method to punish me for the souring of the overall mood from earlier.

My heart rate increased as I was unsure as to what her order might be, but I have a feeling that it won't be simply just a question like earlier. Rather, I'm worried that it might be something that is actually punishing, like standing outside on the balcony in this winter frost for a period of time before returning back into the room.

"The king's order is," she started speaking, closing one eye while staring at me with the other in a playful manner. "I want you to hug me."

Her voice trailed off at the end of her soft, lingering whisper as the silence of the room only served to emphasize the alluring nature of the message she had conveyed. It happened so quickly that I was still unsure whether or not what I had heard was a reality or was it simply a daydream that I had imagined. I stared blankly at Luna's face, taking in that mischievous yet oddly reserved smile in confusion.

"Huh?" I was perplexed by her order and had fallen into a trance of some sort. It was only then that the world returned to me and my brain was once again able to process the world around it. Slowly, I replayed the scene from memory, trying to determine whether or not those few seconds was a reality.

"Do you need me to repeat it again?" she whispered and chuckled. On her face was an impish smile that was oddly charming. Her amber eyes seemed to sparkle with activity as her emotional anticipation was riled up to another level. She seemed to be quite enjoying seeing me in a flustered and dazed condition.

"N-no." I shook my head and then slowly focused my gaze on her once again. Slowly, I moved my gaze up and down her, observing and surveying her appearance as my command demanded me to wrap my arms around her seemingly frail frame. Since she was only dressed in one of my shirts, it was oddly difficult for me to keep my eyes on her as I often wanted to look away out of embarrassment.

I took a deep breath and slowly brought my arms up from my sides and reached them in the direction of her thin arms. I gulped as my hands came into contact with her arms and clasped onto them. Subconsciously, I felt her frail arms, and was surprised by how much thinner they were to feel than to look. It felt as if I had grabbed onto bone, something that I was unsure if it was natural for her or due to her disease.

With my arms straight before me and my hands clasping onto the side of her shoulder, I stared into her eyes while mine seemed to waver. She seemed to be perfectly fine, almost enjoying seeing me in such an uneasy state, as she stared back. On her face was a mischievous and charming smile as she patiently waited for my embrace to come her way.

What was it? What was so different with that embrace from the numerous other ones that we had shared in the past? Why is it that I was so nervous at the moment that my mind seemed to have totally blanked out? It was as if that was my first time actually going in to embrace her. Maybe it was because since I was doing so slowly and late at night with her sitting on my bed before me while dressed in one of my shirts that made things so different. It's just... oddly wrong and sexual in a way or so. The setting that we were in and the clothing that she wore, all of this bore with it an oddly high amount of sexual tension, yet... I am still unmoved by it all. Even though my heart will beat rapidly because of her alluring and seductive figure, nothing will ever come into fruition. We will never have anything above what relationship we have already that will forever be platonic. There will be no crossing boundaries anywhere no matter how badly our hearts may yearn to do so. I had already accepted this fact that rainy day when Luna had called me out to that cafe with her that I will be her companion. Being a companion will not involve anything, so I must bury whatever feelings that I could've developed for her and keep with myself simply my sense of duty and responsibility.

Slowly, I started to lean forward, bringing myself towards her still body as she patiently waited for the embrace. The fragrance of the shampoo that I used hit me as I leaned in closer and caught a whiff of her beautiful white hair that seemed to be whiter than the first time that I saw her. Then, as I continued with my slow motion, my nose came closer and closer to her neck and shoulder, and from there, I smelled the body wash that I used as well. The combined fragrance of the two reminded me of the fact that she had showered and bathed in my house as well, using the same shower and bathtub as I and using the same shampoo and body wash as I did.

Upon smelling this scent, I couldn't stop those random thoughts that started popping up in my head. It was as if a switch was flicked and my mind started focusing on that simple comment Luna had made earlier that just seemed to echo in my mind as I started imagining things: "Is this what life after marriage is like?"

I looked back on our interactions, focusing only on the images in my memory and not on the context surrounding it. If I were to simply focus on them, the images of the two of us sitting on the couch watching television, taking turns using the shower and bath, her dressing in my shirt with its heightened sexual tensions, the slight teasing she conducted to me, her watching me cook and the two of us enjoying a meal, and the two of us sitting in my room to talk to each other before falling asleep, then this would appear just as she had wondered earlier about life after a marriage. I know that I shouldn't be having weird thoughts or anything and that I must've already buried all of these thoughts and sealed them away, I couldn't stop them from slowly arising to the top of the abyss and swell up within my chest.

Does this mean I yearn to marry Luna? It does not. Rather, I do not know myself. Besides, her heart does not belong to me so anything that I imagine is just me being naive and delusional. Our relationship is simply one of companionship and nothing will stem from it. It didn't in the past, it won't at the present, and it will never in the future. There's no such a thing as a happy ending for us...

With that thought in my mind, I felt oddly lonely. However, me clinging tightly to the soft body of the girl in my arms seemed to ease it a bit. The warmth of her reminded me that I wasn't alone as I have a companion with me. Yet... she will one day leave me behind in this world all alone. She will be unable to accompany me for the rest of my life yet I can do so for hers. It's not fair, really... But... it is what it is.

She can simply treat me as a mute, someone who has lost their ability to speak for our interactions need no language to communicate as this is the more genuine form of communication between two souls. In life, we suppress the true feelings we have for someone in our heart for that feeling is often times to complicated even for languages developed over thousands of years of human existence. Therefore, a real heart to heart interaction need no voice. Even if there is a voice, a language that we might speak, neither of us can translate it and interpret it in the correct emotion that the other person is intending it to be. Therefore, there's no need to speak at all.

I hugged onto her even tighter until I could feel her heartbeat.

I will accept the punishment for this silence. I will not back down any further and rely simply on words to express my feelings. But...maybe words do have a reason for existence, as a supplement for this expression of emotions. It is the ultimate coup de grace that will propel the communication to the very ultimate end.

The sound of water raining down was audible, and I concluded that it must be raining outside. However, it was nothing important to me as it could be ignored. No matter how wet, cold, and dark the world outside maybe, I am currently warm and dry with the person whom I can truly have a heart-to-heart communication with in my arms. But... I despise myself still. This disdain I hold for myself is one that I had held for all other simpletons in this world. I hate liars, and yet I lie about everything. These emotions that I am communicating to Luna, even though it's all genuine, there was still something that I concealed from her, something that I had sealed away so deep in this isolated prison that even I cannot easily find it. I hate myself for concealing this to her. I hate that I am no different from these plebeians.

I hate that I am myself.

Author's Note:

I wrote this right after 148 and was thinking of release the next morning, but fuck it. I don't give a fuck anymore. Please vote and comment if you've enjoyed. I hope that you all can understand what I am trying to communicate in the lines about what Alevian is experiencing in his mind and everything. If you have questions or are just generally confused, just ask in the comments and I will respond to the best of my abilities.