What The Heart Remembers - The Heart #2 (Complete)

Chapter 8 - Part 2

Lacey

He'd been gone for hours and I felt awful. I spent most of the time on my own lying on my bed contemplating why I couldn't feel differently. I loved him and he loved me. It should be enough. But the emptiness inside of me wouldn't allow us to move forward.

My eyes stung as I remembered how much I had hurt him. Feeling more guilty and angry with myself I brushed the tears away aggressively. After hurting him so much I felt like I had no right to cry or to be upset. Why couldn't I just shut out the hole inside of me? Then I could have carried on like everything was fine. We could have been happy.

Letting out an emotional sigh I sat up.

Needing to keep myself busy so I didn't drive myself crazy with my thoughts I got up and had a shower. Images of Adonis and I together flashed in my mind and I leaned my head against the cool tiles as water cascaded down me. All I could think about was our night together. My stomach fluttered in response. I wanted to hold onto that feeling so badly.

I had no idea where he was or when he would return. I had called Alex to ask if he had seen him but he hadn't. What if I had done so much damage that he decided I wasn't worth the trouble anymore. Despite my initial resistance I needed his help to try and put myself back together again. I had no idea how to do it on my own.

Rubbing my forehead I tried to figure out how to right this with him. But there wasn't anything to ease the rejection. I hated myself for hurting him. Why couldn't I just love him the way he should be loved? I did love him, there was no doubt about that but the memories about our time together tarnished it. He deserved better than that.

One hour passed into another and most of the day went by with me wondering if he was ever going to come back. It was getting late by the time I heard the door open. I was sitting in the lounge with the TV on although I was too wired up to concentrate on anything.

I was unsure of whether to stay where I was and give him space so I sat quietly holding my breath as I anxiously listened to his foot steps. They stopped outside the living room and I turned to face him. He was standing in the doorway with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans. I held my breath. My fingers dug into the seat.

"We need to talk," he said in an ominous tone. His eyes held mine and I felt a shortness of breath. He had always had that effect on me. I had a feeling that this talk wasn't going to be easy.

Unable to reply I nodded my head. I clutched my hands together to stop them from shaking. He looked defeated and I felt terrible for being the cause of it.

He walked over and sat beside me on the sofa. He didn't look at me instead his eyes fixed on the TV in front of us. He reached for the control of the TV and switched if off. A heavy silence engulfed the room. Then he shifted to face me. I looked nervously into his features wondering what he was going to say. He was still upset and there was a sadness in the depths of his eyes that he couldn't hide from me.

His gaze dropped to my hands and he took one of my hands into his. The warmth of skin covered mine.

"I care about you," he began to say and he stopped. He swallowed and I watched unsure of what to say.

"It's more. I love you," he continued and I felt my stomach summersault at his declaration. "You mean everything to me. When we finally discovered how we felt about each other I was so happy."

He paused. I nodded my head even though I didn't remember.

"Then we discovered you had a tumor," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion and I gripped his hand tightly not liking the pain in his voice. "All I wanted was for you to have the surgery as soon as possible so you had a better chance of surviving it."

He shook his head.

"But you refused. It was hard to stand by and watch you put off the surgery because you needed time. It was like I was watching you die slowly with no way to help you."

Emotion clogged my throat. I didn't remember any of it but the emotion in his voice and the look in his eyes as they held mine was enough for tears to sting.

"And then you collapsed and you were rushed to hospital. It scared me and I promised I'd never leave you."

Unable to look at me anymore his eyes dropped to his hand which still held mine.

"You have no idea what it has been like since you woke up with no memories of me or what we meant to each other," he said. He was right, I didn't. But he had no idea what it felt like to wake up and remember nothing of the most important time in my life. He had no idea what it felt like to have a piece missing and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it back.

"I followed the advice of the surgeon. He said we shouldn't push you to remember. He said give it time and you would remember on your own. But that never happened."

He stilled before he lifted his gaze to mine.

"It was hell trying to carry on like nothing happened, like you were nothing more than my best friend's little sister but I did it for you. No matter how hard I found it somedays I pushed through it."

It was the first time I'd had a peak into his life without me and it made a tear slide down my face.

"Don't cry," he whispered.

I swallowed my emotion as I bushed the offending tear from my cheek.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked softly not sure I wanted to hear the answer because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like the answer.

He bent his head down for a few moments and let out a deep breath.

"I need you to understand," he said quietly under his breath before he lifted his head. "Why I can't do this anymore?"

It was like something heavy gripped my heart and it sunk to my feet. The breath from my lungs was knocked right out of me while I tried to understand what he meant.

"I've never loved anyone like I love you, but I can't put myself through this anymore," he explained.

I dropped my gaze and pulled my hand from his unable to bare his touch when it felt like my heart was cracking.

"It's like I can't move forward and I can't go backward. I'm stuck exactly where I was before you went for surgery."

My mind was still reeling from what he was saying.

"I thought I was strong enough to do this until you could find your way back to me."

My eyes shot to his. I wanted that more than anything. My eyes silently pleaded with his but he shook his head. His mind was made up and nothing I said was going to change it.

"Even though you couldn't remember us I thought there was a chance we could still be together."

He paused.

"But I realise that no matter how badly I want you, you're never going to remember us and after last night I realised we can't be together without them."

His words hurt but they were the truth. I couldn't be with him without my memories because I was lost without them.

"I'm sorry," he said looking at me but I couldn't meet his gaze.

"I understand," I managed to say.

"I'll still do everything I promised to help you. I'll pay for the shrink and you'll still go on tour with me. I want you to be whole again."

I nodded my head still trying to keeping my emotions from breaking free. I didn't want to break down in front of him. I had put him through enough.