LETTERS TO REALITY ✓

we've come far since then

2 - We've come far since then

Serenity doesn't want to leave her house the next day.

Her heart is overflowing with nerves, culpability and immense unease as she walks to the train station. She wishes she never got drunk last night. Why did she think it was a good idea to wrap her bleak hand around a bottle of toxicity? She wishes she never hung out with her childhood friend. Now, she wishes she wasn't emotional and sensitive.

The nerves in her body let loose when she notices Hoseok who's not daring to look at her.

He takes a seat on the train, arms on either side of him and he avoids eye contact with her. The familiar, beige eyes can't even look at her. Usually, he waits and saves a seat for her so they can travel together.

But today, he can't even look at her.

Serenity stumbles into a seat beside an aged woman and she shoves her earphones in, music immediately offering comfort, just like it used to on the bus in the past. She stares at the back of her friend's head- stupid. Confusion and terror is what she feels as she overthinks.

Why would drunk Serenity think it was a good idea to send her love letters? Love letters that were never meant to be sent. Is she that invested, emotional and plain stupid? Was she that drunk? How much did she drink? Did she call anyone? Who else saw her? Why did she ever get emotionally involved with men? Men, ugh.

Too many crashing thoughts run into her head. Getting a hangover headache was expected but now, her stomach is filled with the bad kind of butterflies. Did Hoseok actually send the letters? Maybe he didn't and she was just overthinking. She doesn't know what happened and whether or not he listened to her influenced self.

But if he did, how would all the boys react?

Serenity shivers. She doesn't want to know.

Clearly, Hoseok doesn't want to know her, but Serenity demands at least something from him. There's no way he can run from her with such a blank look.

The thirty-minute train ride feels like a lifetime for Serenity and she doesn't bother to be polite when pushing past people- she doesn't let people go in front of her like she usually does. Now is not the time. She cares more about talking to Hoseok who's walking with rushed steps, away from her.

It's so obvious he's avoiding her, and she hates it.

"Hoseok!" Serenity raises her voice and dodges the people walking past her at the station. Her throat hurts due to the nervous bulge rising.

Hoseok ignores her and walks faster- clutching his earphones in his hand.

"Hoseok." Serenity shouts and holds onto her leather satchel as she reaches him eventually- a little out of breath but strong-willed. She's glad she caught up.

She grips his shoulder, making him stop and moves to stand in front of him with a glare. "Can you stop running away from me?" Her eyes dart across his face- analysing how his lips pursue, guilt flooding through his eyes as he stills. "Why are you avoiding me?"

Avoiding her is something he's done before.

Hoseok's body tenses, his eyes don't know where to look as Serenity takes his hand- pulling him to the side, not blocking exhausted people trying to get to places. She lets go of his hand immediately.

It's eight am and no one is in the mood to be civil, gracious or helpful, so Serenity decides to be blunt and address the awkwardness. "The letters. Yes, I know- you must have read yours but-"

"It's from a long time ago, right?"

"Yes! I wrote them years ago. Especially yours! It was when we were young and in high school. Now I'm twenty-seven and I have no time to even write." Serenity stops herself from going on a rant as she feels her heart race. She hasn't felt like this in a while. She realises there's so much she wants to say. "They don't mean anything."

Or was Serenity lying? Did they mean anything? Why did she still have them if they didn't mean anything?

"Plus, are you dumb? Why would I give you a love letter when you have a lovely girlfriend? A girl I happen to admire." Serenity places her hand on her chest, pretending to be offended as she thinks about Hoseok's girlfriend who is now one of her good friends.

"Yeah, I thought so." Hoseok sighs and sits down on the empty bench, shoving his earphones into his pocket as he watches people walk up and down, past the duo. "I just didn't know how to respond, what to do or say because well-". She knows him too well to know that Hoseok runs away from situations and avoidance is his best ability.

Then a question flashes in Serenity's mind. "Wait." She mutters and looks away from his eyes. "Did you actually send all of them?"

Please say no.

"Yeah, obviously I-"

"Oh my god!"

"What?"

"The one time I don't want you to do something you fucking do it." Serenity can't help the impatience and anxiousness running through her body- she already knows she won't be able to tranquillise.

She's going to cry.

"How was I supposed to know?" Hoseok argues back, innocence flashing across his golden face as he pushes his murky brown strands back, feeling her distress as sweat starts to form on his forehead. "You're my best friend. I would, of course, have to do it for you."

"I was drunk! You know how stupid and irrational I can be." Serenity runs her hands down her face, dropping her satchel to the floor- gripping the long handle tightly as she stares at the ground. She's taking her hidden fear out on Hoseok through anger and irritation. The truth is, she never gets drunk. For once, she decided to let loose.

"Drunk thoughts are sober thoughts."

"No!" Serenity lets out another frustrated groan and tries to see some aspect of optimism but fails. "When did you-"

"Last night. I shoved them into the mailbox and saw my letter, I kept it and went home. Read it and was too surprised to sleep." Hoseok gulps as he glances at his watch and stands up from the bench.

It's now that Serenity notices how tired he looks, with droopy eyes and a forced smile. He didn't sleep because of her ancient letter.

Serenity can't form words. Her utmost emotions seem to be taking over because all she can think about is their reactions.

She wants to pray to God that they don't receive the letters, that their addresses have changed, and they don't remember her. Yet she can't ever let them go because every memory haunts her. The letters were all that she had left, and the thought makes her tearful.

Hoseok curses under his breath. "We're going to be late, well... I am." He shakes out his shoulders and notices his best friends worrisome state. He wraps an arm around her shoulder in a friendly manner- squeezing her to his side with a reassuring smile that Serenity can't look at. The letters are gone. "Don't worry about it okay?"

"It's not like you're still in love with any of them, right?"

Serenity pretends to not hear the question and is saved by her phone indicating a text.

She fishes out her phone to see a text message from a person she didn't expect to talk to ever again. Her eyes turn wide and her heart rate increases. Why, oh why?

"Okay yeah go." Serenity pushes Hoseok who says a faint goodbye. "I'll see you later."

From Jin:
I got your letter