soft || namjoon

10

namjoon

"namjoon! namjoon, please, wake up!" i'm sure that's ryejin, but where is that voice coming from?

"joonie, it's me. wake up, please?" mom? why are you all crying? does something bad happen?

"namjoon! it's jin-hyung, yoongi and hoseok is here with me. would you give us a favor and wake up?" jin-hyung? crying? he only cry when something really bad happen.

"joon, sorry for everything. please, wake up." taehyung? apologising? what the hell?

i can't feel my body. i can't feel anything. i tried moving but it's pointless. i only can see white light. me, in white clothes. someone calling for me to come somewhere. somewhere besides here, where i truly want to be.

i'll be watching out for you, ryejin.

~
ryejin

i can never believe this, wake me up from this dream. this is not true, this will never be true, namjoon is not gone. no, no, no!

"ryejin, rest please. it's probably what namjoon wants." hyesoo suggested.

"never. i'm wait, he'll wake up. i trust in him. he will. i'll wait, even if it's forever."

"it's been a week, ryejin. he loves you, and i'm sure he doesn't want you to stress over him. get some rest." hyesoo has been getting on my nerves lately.

"i said i don't fucking want to! didn't you hear me?! i don't fucking want to, hyesoo." she just nodded and left.

no, this is not me. i'm not functioning well, i don't even curse. namjoon probably doesn't want to hear me swear.

"hyesoo," she turned and looked at me. she was crying, and i never see her cry. "i'm sorry, i'm probably being a burden to you for a week now, i will get some rest for you, and for him." a tear slipped out of my eye as i turned around to get some rest, maybe this will help me.

~
taehyung

"ryejin, you're back! we missed you." jin hugged ryejin and the other boys greeted her as well.

"are you feeling better, ryejinie?" hoseok asked, concern tied in his tone.

"yeah, i'm working on it." ryejin flashed a smile but it's not the same smile she always show.

"ryejin, wanna eat at the 1st floor cafeteria?" i tried to ease the mood.

"uh, no thanks, tae. i'm full." she kindly rejected, she's kinda awkward but it's probably because of the incident.

she's gotten so skinny.

"how about we hang out at our house and i'll show you all of my music work and my incoming mixtape?" yoongi winked.

we all said 'yes' in unison to cover up ryejin's 'no'. we didn't plan on this but we felt like she needed company.

~
ryejin

'(Hol' up Hol' up) I walk on this seesaw without you
(Hol' up Hol' up) Just like the beginning when you weren't here
(Hol' up Hol' up) I walk on this seesaw without you
(Hol' up Hol' up) I'm getting off this seesaw without you'

we were looking through yoongi's songs and of course, we'll stumble upon this song, this damn song.

"fucking stupid." they all look at me with concerned eyes. i hate being looked at this way. i'm fine, not really but still. i can handle my own problems. i can do this myself, i don't need people's pity. i'm tired of people asking if i'm okay, i'm obviously not.

seesaw is a song i always cry into.

but this time i didn't cry, i felt numb.

they were shocked, too. there's no time you can catch me not crying to seesaw.

and this is the time i should really cry into that song but i didn't.

am i getting strong? braver? namjoon, are you proud of me?

or maybe i've accepted the fact that any bawling, sobbing, and crying i do, will never return namjoon back to my arms? maybe it is.

but that doesn't mean i'm not crying over namjoon and not missing him, it means..

it's really finished, he's gone, and i need to move on because he's never ever coming back.

sucks to admit but i guess i'm changing after all these fucking damned events.

-

"joonie, how have you been? are you sleeping well up there? do you miss me? i'm pretty sure you do. please take care of yourself up there, i love you. i'll have some rest and dream of you. too bad we didn't get to have our first monthsary, i was kind of saving up for it, specially our anniversary. i really want to spend every moment of my life with you but i guess you can only watch over me now. please be happy and rest well up there, i love you, my dear boyfriend. rest well and don't worry about me too much. i know you miss me but let's part ways for now. we'll meet pretty much soon. please visit me in my dreams very often, okay? let's have dates and let's always eat." i cried more knowing he can never respond to me, i can never hug him anymore.

i survived the crash but i don't want to talk further about it. i guess i will never be ready to talk about it, knowing that's how the love of my life got to heaven. i'll live a good life for you, joon.

an angel returned back to his home place. goodbye, kim namjoon. i love you.

end.