Azure Saviour | dark h.s.

fifteen | 15

A/N: Neck vein. That is all.

~ Trigger Warning: Brief mentioning of self harm. 

ges·ture

Céline.

Sun. Blaring hot sun, on a Sunday evening. It was setting, but the heat felt unbearable. I should be inside in an air conditioned building or at home; but no, here I am outside, sitting like a fool, waiting for someone who probably won't even show up.

I'd never waited for anyone before — not for anything. I'm an incredibly punctual person and hates whenever anyone is late. If they aren't on time, I leave; but again, no. Here I am, doing something that I absolutely hate, just to be around the person who brings me happiness in life. Let's not forget that the person, is a man. Who does that? I definitely don't; but again, I am.

Fuck. Fuck me and my heart.

I stretched out my legs, straightening them out, attempting them to get a tan from the tiniest bit of sunshine left. It was practically dark out, who was I even kidding? In a way, it would first time that they wouldn't burn. I quietly laughed to myself. They probably will, though. This was also the first day I've worn shorts during this season. I hate shorts, but Josie forced me to buy them one day when we were at the mall. That's another thing I hate — the mall. A place that's filled with teenagers that try to act like they're 'all that'. When in reality, they're not. Stop Céline. Stop judging people. I thought we already talked about this.

Fuck. Fuck me and my mind.

The only positive thing about these shorts, was that they were the only thing I could wear in this blazing heat, that didn't make me roast like a damn marshmallow. I hated showing off my legs. I wasn't lacking self confidence, but I just didn't like showing my skin — or the marks on the midst of tops of my thighs. That was mainly it.

Anytime I look in a mirror, or down at my naked self, my mind goes back to my past. I don't hate my past, because it's what made me be who I am today; but there are always some things that we wished we could reverse. Doing that to my body, was the main thing on my list — and of course, dying my hair blonde one time, was another. They made me feel like I wasn't myself. I always just wanted to be me. 

Whenever I remember that, I see almost the exact resemblance of the physical appearance between my sister and I. She's always wanted to see photos of how I looked in the past, but I don't have any. I don't like documenting my own past through photos, even though those are the physical things that you can see which remind you of that specific time. It's only been recent that I've started entering the screen with others. I constantly wanted to keep the happy times of my life, recorded by a simple photograph — especially when it came to Hazel. Generally speaking though, I hated being in pictures; but taking them, was a whole other story.

A picture is worth a thousand words — so the saying goes. Not in my mind though. A picture is worth much, much more. There is something about them that makes every single person look at it in a completely different way. Uniqueness lies within them, even if it's only a simple landscape photo. Certain people find it beautiful, whilst others, find it to be 'average'. The difference doesn't change with any other style of photography. Paintings are the same. But the most beauty in the world, comes through visual reality. Seeing things in present time and being there in person. That is the way to truly see and experience a moment, time, or place. Seeing is believing. Believing is understanding. Understanding is reality. Everything is one connected circle from live-time, to a frozen still, to the memory that occurs from it. It's all shared in the future and becomes a part of our minds, souls; and our hearts.